Two nights in a row.... hopefully this isn't old habits coming back to haunt me....
I've started the night with "it feels like rain"
I talked to an old friend tonight... how my heart ached. This wasn't just any friend. Not just some person I met and missed for a while. But someone who is a part of me. A part of my being, the very depths of my soul are touched by this friend. Sometimes, we truly dont even know the value of friends like this until they disappear and magically reappear for a moment to retouch your heart and remind you that they exist inside you. Somewhere deep, somewhere that you've put away inside yourself so the pain of losing them doesn't sneek up on you.
I believe that we get a few glimpes of heaven. Friends who touch our souls are the very thing that convince me that heaven even exists in the first place. So, yes, they REALLY are that wonderful. I believe that we connect with people sometimes in way that is irreplaceable, a stong and undeniable bond that can be ignored but never broken. So why is it that we choose to ignore them sometimes? What is it inside ourselves that makes us ignore a bond so strong? A bond that others can see from a mile away? A bond that can intimidate our partners, even if there is no reason aside from the actual strength of the connection in and of itself? Why do we deny ourselves the complete happiness that comes from having people like this in our lives? Does the feeling of the bond become so much that it's almost unfathomable that it really does it exist? That it just isn't possible to be so very connected to any one person? However, we still know its there, we're still affected by it. The absense of that person, that bond you share, creates a hole. A part of you is drawn back to them over and over, if even for a moment, a small part of the void being filled by the nature of what you talk about, see or feel. Its not romantic, its genuine, from heart to soul understanding. Its the complete and utter feeling of bliss to have that kind of bond and understanding from another human being. People with this kind of connection are few and far between, and you can't just let them go, they are part of you. Don't ignore it... embrace it. Look at the people around you, the ones you could live without but just don't want to, and really shouldn't have to.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
A ceasar instead of tea.
What if you....
Dreamt a dream today and had it come true?
Said all the things you've always wanted to say?
Went somewhere you've never been before?
Lived your life in someone elses shoes?
Took back all the things you never meant to say?
Heard someone else's thoughts?
Went back and relived the best moment of your life?
Had no regrets?
Said forever and knew what it meant?
What if you could? Would you?
Dreamt a dream today and had it come true?
Said all the things you've always wanted to say?
Went somewhere you've never been before?
Lived your life in someone elses shoes?
Took back all the things you never meant to say?
Heard someone else's thoughts?
Went back and relived the best moment of your life?
Had no regrets?
Said forever and knew what it meant?
What if you could? Would you?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Who's your #1?
Hey everyone!! So sorry for taking so long to post something new. Believe me it's not for lack of material, but with a busy 6 month old, moving and renovations, I've barely had time to shower. Probably an overshare, but oh well....
So a friend recently came to stay with us, a relationship that is at a turning point and needed some downtime to figure shit out. Of course, I told him he is welcome to stay as long as he needs. So naturally, this is a good friend, so we started to chat about what was going on. That also led to other conversations about other friends who are with people who don't make them happy anymore but are still in these relationships, running themselves down, abusing their own egos, and why?? What is the point? At what point do we stop putting ourselves first? And why do we ever stop putting ourselves first?
In my circle of friends, we provide a judgement free zone. So when someone we love is doing something self-desructive, we point it out, and let them argue it out as to why they're doing it. But even in life as a whole, all relationships aside, why do we stop to think about what everyone else wants, thinks, feels, and leave our selves to consider last, or worse, not at all? When did our lives suddenly have to become about everyone else? Is this why some of us can through our entire adult life never knowing who we are or what we want simply because we've never taken the time to sit down and think about it? We're just too damn busy thinking about everyone else. Is this where some people get confused as to what constitutes selfish? Where does one draw the line between doing whats right for you and where it becomes selfish? And is it not a god given right to be selfish at times? I mean, if we didn't really stop and take what we need for ourselves, the mental institutions would have a much bigger number of patients than they already do. I firmly believe that some people should already be there, but get denied at the door due to "NO VACANCY" (This is how I believe the town of selkirk became a town. People started camping out... LOL, and actually now, I believe its called a city. HA!)
All jokes aside, when truly do we stop and say "No, this is for me. Nobody else." And get to feel good about it? When I moved overseas for myself, and ONLY myself, I had people trying to guilt me into staying and telling me I was being selfish for going. It was the point that I realized that I wasnt the one with the problem. If you are surrounded by people who chastise you for doing what you need to do for yourself, for your own well being, or just because you DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT, who the fuck are they to tell you that you're wrong? If in the end of it all, all you have is yourself, all you can rely on is yourself, or even only have yourself to blame, then what is the problem? Now granted there are times when TRUE selfishness exists. Where in my own mind it is just morally WRONG. I'm sure I don't need to give examples. If I do, stop reading my blog right.this.minute.
So this is my stand! This is where I say, DON'T be afraid to do things for yourself. DON'T let anyone make you feel bad about what YOU think is best for you. NO ONE knows whats best for you better than you do. NO ONE. I don't care who they are. Do what's best for you at the time. If it doesn't work out, then you only have yourself to blame. And if it does, then you get to feel the happiness that comes from knowing that you did the right thing. Don't let yourself get to the point where others come before you. If you are rundown, unhappy, dissatisfied, uncontent because you're too worried that your loved one, (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother.... you fill in the gap) will not want to hear it, cause its not what they want to hear.... too bad. Take care of yourself first. You're no good to anyone, including yourself if you're miserable cause you're not taking care of you.
So a friend recently came to stay with us, a relationship that is at a turning point and needed some downtime to figure shit out. Of course, I told him he is welcome to stay as long as he needs. So naturally, this is a good friend, so we started to chat about what was going on. That also led to other conversations about other friends who are with people who don't make them happy anymore but are still in these relationships, running themselves down, abusing their own egos, and why?? What is the point? At what point do we stop putting ourselves first? And why do we ever stop putting ourselves first?
In my circle of friends, we provide a judgement free zone. So when someone we love is doing something self-desructive, we point it out, and let them argue it out as to why they're doing it. But even in life as a whole, all relationships aside, why do we stop to think about what everyone else wants, thinks, feels, and leave our selves to consider last, or worse, not at all? When did our lives suddenly have to become about everyone else? Is this why some of us can through our entire adult life never knowing who we are or what we want simply because we've never taken the time to sit down and think about it? We're just too damn busy thinking about everyone else. Is this where some people get confused as to what constitutes selfish? Where does one draw the line between doing whats right for you and where it becomes selfish? And is it not a god given right to be selfish at times? I mean, if we didn't really stop and take what we need for ourselves, the mental institutions would have a much bigger number of patients than they already do. I firmly believe that some people should already be there, but get denied at the door due to "NO VACANCY" (This is how I believe the town of selkirk became a town. People started camping out... LOL, and actually now, I believe its called a city. HA!)
All jokes aside, when truly do we stop and say "No, this is for me. Nobody else." And get to feel good about it? When I moved overseas for myself, and ONLY myself, I had people trying to guilt me into staying and telling me I was being selfish for going. It was the point that I realized that I wasnt the one with the problem. If you are surrounded by people who chastise you for doing what you need to do for yourself, for your own well being, or just because you DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT, who the fuck are they to tell you that you're wrong? If in the end of it all, all you have is yourself, all you can rely on is yourself, or even only have yourself to blame, then what is the problem? Now granted there are times when TRUE selfishness exists. Where in my own mind it is just morally WRONG. I'm sure I don't need to give examples. If I do, stop reading my blog right.this.minute.
So this is my stand! This is where I say, DON'T be afraid to do things for yourself. DON'T let anyone make you feel bad about what YOU think is best for you. NO ONE knows whats best for you better than you do. NO ONE. I don't care who they are. Do what's best for you at the time. If it doesn't work out, then you only have yourself to blame. And if it does, then you get to feel the happiness that comes from knowing that you did the right thing. Don't let yourself get to the point where others come before you. If you are rundown, unhappy, dissatisfied, uncontent because you're too worried that your loved one, (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother.... you fill in the gap) will not want to hear it, cause its not what they want to hear.... too bad. Take care of yourself first. You're no good to anyone, including yourself if you're miserable cause you're not taking care of you.
Friday, October 23, 2009
To be only Human
Tonight I was at home by myself doing some thinking about the events that recently have been taking place in my life and felt the need to write how I feel about it. I also felt the need to share it, not because I think that everyone should look at life this way, but just so that maybe in the mix of your life you can find some way to embrace being human.
Sometimes in life all you want is to close your eyes and feel the burden, pain & heartache just melt away. To feel like you did when the world did not rest on your shoulders. When you had the luxury of worrying about things that are trivial. To know that you had the choice to grow and go in any direction. Unknowing that one day life would catch up with you and pull you down, break your heart and stop you dead in your tracks so you have no choice but to stare your life in the face. You wonder how the hell you made it this far, what was in your heart that fought for the chance to be staring your life in the eyes and to fight for the right to do better?
If you look at life as a series of choices instead of sacrifices, is it possible to live a life without regret? I have heard people say, I am only human... It makes me question ones character. We as humans are capable of so much. To be Only Human is not an excuse but extraordinary reason to feel, to choose and live. I can not change anything about the choices I have made, and as much as I think that I would want to sometimes, my choices have contributed to the creation of who I have become so far. I am reaching for a life without regret, and every so often I stop to stare my life in the eyes and let my heart overpower the pull of life and push me with a will I do not think I can ever understand, to fight to look it in the eyes again.
Sometimes in life all you want is to close your eyes and feel the burden, pain & heartache just melt away. To feel like you did when the world did not rest on your shoulders. When you had the luxury of worrying about things that are trivial. To know that you had the choice to grow and go in any direction. Unknowing that one day life would catch up with you and pull you down, break your heart and stop you dead in your tracks so you have no choice but to stare your life in the face. You wonder how the hell you made it this far, what was in your heart that fought for the chance to be staring your life in the eyes and to fight for the right to do better?
If you look at life as a series of choices instead of sacrifices, is it possible to live a life without regret? I have heard people say, I am only human... It makes me question ones character. We as humans are capable of so much. To be Only Human is not an excuse but extraordinary reason to feel, to choose and live. I can not change anything about the choices I have made, and as much as I think that I would want to sometimes, my choices have contributed to the creation of who I have become so far. I am reaching for a life without regret, and every so often I stop to stare my life in the eyes and let my heart overpower the pull of life and push me with a will I do not think I can ever understand, to fight to look it in the eyes again.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
To The Men...
A great day should end in blissful amounts of sleep, but instead I'm sitting at my computer after rolling around in bed for an hour unable to sleep... I started to clean out my hard drive, going through pictures and documents that I no longer need or want, only to haunt myself with memories and ended up feeling in a soft romantic mood, so I decided to switch on one my favourite playlists, which consists of Michael buble, john hiatt, and oddly enough limp bizkit. HA! Bet you didn't see that one coming! But the playlist takes me back to some of my favourite romantic moments. Now of course some of you who are scratching your head wondering how the fuck limp bizkit could ever take anyone back to a romantic moment... well I'll tell you, but without names but its one of my top 5.
I had gone out to a social with a friend and some of his guy friends. It was a super hot summer night (of course...lol) I was 18. Yep. 18. And I remember it like it was yesterday. He had bought a new car that was standard and was just learning to drive it (not relevant to the story at all but I can see it playing out in my head) after the social, we were all out at someones house, cars everywhere, he had left it behind cause we were drinking a bit. ok.... maybe ALOT. 3 am came around and the song Rollin' by limp bizkit came on. Of course it was all the rage at the time, so the volume was turned up high enough to piss off any neighbor within a mile radius, and he got right into it, I remember sitting on the hood of the car laughing at him for being drunk and retarded when he just stopped, came right up to me, put his hands on the sides of face and into my hair, and told me I was simply the most spectacular thing he had ever seen and kissed me so deeply it went straight to my heart. All with limp bizkit in the background. And til this day everytime I hear it I think of him and that moment. Right down to the grey pants and white tshirt he was wearing. I can smell the hugo boss on his skin and taste the beer on his mouth.
So tonight I am going to "waste" a wish. I wish that everyone can experience that kind of passion sometime in their life. Something that is so utterly breath taking, you could never forget it. I'm going to fall in love with my past all over again tonight, if only for the length of a 18 song playlist. I'm going to forget that I have responsibilities and just be in the moment all over again.
Oddly enough while having my breath taken away over and over again, none of my ex's are in there.... why is it when we think back to the magic of those breath taking moments, it rarely includes those we chose to date? Was it the series of moments that lead us to who we are with now? Is it when we finally find the person who can take our breath away while dating is the one we choose to spend our lives with? I've always heard two theories or ideas; Timing is everything. And life is not measured by the breaths that we take, but the moments that take our breath away. So if those two cliche statements just happen to be true, why doesn't anyone ever warn us that they have to work together? My friend took my breath away, but the timing was wrong. And with those who had the timing, lacked the moments. I think that we get so few of these moments in our lives that eventually we just conclude that we aren't going to get anymore and settle for timing without the magic just to get that slap in the face that it can still happen. Or on the other end of the spectrum, we wait for that perfect breath taking moment, searching for it so desperately that the rest just passes us by. Is it even possible to balance somewhere in the middle?
Moments that take our breath away are just that. Moments. After its over, it's over. Moment passed. Now what are the chances that it could turn into a lifetime of moments like that one? Slim. But what if you're with someone who is fantastic and the timing is perfect, but still no breath taking moment that shocks you to your soul? Take the timing! Take the timing with complete satisfaction of having those past moments stamped into your heart and soul, to enjoy whenever you want without living a life in waiting.
My song switched... and I'm in a different place with a different person. A smile on my face cause this one is completely different than the last, but just as good. God, I love music... and the men of my past who gave me these memories to enjoy forever, and the man of my present who will give me many more. I don't usually do soft, romantic postings so enjoy this one for what it's worth. And maybe you should turn some of your tunes on that take you back to a place you haven't been to in a while, it'll make you smile for hours..... ;)
I had gone out to a social with a friend and some of his guy friends. It was a super hot summer night (of course...lol) I was 18. Yep. 18. And I remember it like it was yesterday. He had bought a new car that was standard and was just learning to drive it (not relevant to the story at all but I can see it playing out in my head) after the social, we were all out at someones house, cars everywhere, he had left it behind cause we were drinking a bit. ok.... maybe ALOT. 3 am came around and the song Rollin' by limp bizkit came on. Of course it was all the rage at the time, so the volume was turned up high enough to piss off any neighbor within a mile radius, and he got right into it, I remember sitting on the hood of the car laughing at him for being drunk and retarded when he just stopped, came right up to me, put his hands on the sides of face and into my hair, and told me I was simply the most spectacular thing he had ever seen and kissed me so deeply it went straight to my heart. All with limp bizkit in the background. And til this day everytime I hear it I think of him and that moment. Right down to the grey pants and white tshirt he was wearing. I can smell the hugo boss on his skin and taste the beer on his mouth.
So tonight I am going to "waste" a wish. I wish that everyone can experience that kind of passion sometime in their life. Something that is so utterly breath taking, you could never forget it. I'm going to fall in love with my past all over again tonight, if only for the length of a 18 song playlist. I'm going to forget that I have responsibilities and just be in the moment all over again.
Oddly enough while having my breath taken away over and over again, none of my ex's are in there.... why is it when we think back to the magic of those breath taking moments, it rarely includes those we chose to date? Was it the series of moments that lead us to who we are with now? Is it when we finally find the person who can take our breath away while dating is the one we choose to spend our lives with? I've always heard two theories or ideas; Timing is everything. And life is not measured by the breaths that we take, but the moments that take our breath away. So if those two cliche statements just happen to be true, why doesn't anyone ever warn us that they have to work together? My friend took my breath away, but the timing was wrong. And with those who had the timing, lacked the moments. I think that we get so few of these moments in our lives that eventually we just conclude that we aren't going to get anymore and settle for timing without the magic just to get that slap in the face that it can still happen. Or on the other end of the spectrum, we wait for that perfect breath taking moment, searching for it so desperately that the rest just passes us by. Is it even possible to balance somewhere in the middle?
Moments that take our breath away are just that. Moments. After its over, it's over. Moment passed. Now what are the chances that it could turn into a lifetime of moments like that one? Slim. But what if you're with someone who is fantastic and the timing is perfect, but still no breath taking moment that shocks you to your soul? Take the timing! Take the timing with complete satisfaction of having those past moments stamped into your heart and soul, to enjoy whenever you want without living a life in waiting.
My song switched... and I'm in a different place with a different person. A smile on my face cause this one is completely different than the last, but just as good. God, I love music... and the men of my past who gave me these memories to enjoy forever, and the man of my present who will give me many more. I don't usually do soft, romantic postings so enjoy this one for what it's worth. And maybe you should turn some of your tunes on that take you back to a place you haven't been to in a while, it'll make you smile for hours..... ;)
Monday, October 19, 2009
To waste a wish....
I want to blow off any steam I may have left from my exhausting day before I go for a job interview tomorrow! So I've turned on some easy listening (aka blues and some soft piano pieces)
Its been a week since I asked an important question to alot of people I know. And the first two words of almost everyone's answer,( and which I might add in here, there were NOT ALOT of answers. SO disappointed) was "I wish...."
Now someone I know used to say "I wish...." and then retract with "no wait, I wouldn't waste a wish on that." So with those words dancing around in my head and the answers I got to my question leads me to wonder, what is worth "wasting" a wish on? And how many wishes do we actually get, if any?
Is wishing our way of saying "I want to" or "I would have" but I was just too lazy, didn't have the drive... etc? Why do we wait to say "I wish..." instead of doing what we want, when we want? I understand that not all things are so simple, but isn't this where we would get to use the "I wish" card? For the things we truly can't do anything about? We can't change the past, but if in the moment you can pull your shit together enough to say " I know I'll regret it if I don't do this" why, why, WHY are we not doing it? When it comes to the present, why are we saying "I wish I could?" Where has the drive to be better, do better, to WANT more gone? To say the things we SHOULD say cause we might not get a second chance? To do the things we NEED to do cause we CAN? Instead of sitting on our asses playing the I wish card and living life with regret? I just dont get it.
Maybe its time we all made a list of the wishes we have and ask ourselves what we're "wasting" our wishes on. What things we could do, or say and just don't? How many of those wishes will turn into regret? Because those are the ones that really matter. We all have our reasons for making a wish instead of doing something, but I guess the question is; is the reason GOOD enough to live the rest of your life knowing you coulda, shoulda, woulda?
Its been a week since I asked an important question to alot of people I know. And the first two words of almost everyone's answer,( and which I might add in here, there were NOT ALOT of answers. SO disappointed) was "I wish...."
Now someone I know used to say "I wish...." and then retract with "no wait, I wouldn't waste a wish on that." So with those words dancing around in my head and the answers I got to my question leads me to wonder, what is worth "wasting" a wish on? And how many wishes do we actually get, if any?
Is wishing our way of saying "I want to" or "I would have" but I was just too lazy, didn't have the drive... etc? Why do we wait to say "I wish..." instead of doing what we want, when we want? I understand that not all things are so simple, but isn't this where we would get to use the "I wish" card? For the things we truly can't do anything about? We can't change the past, but if in the moment you can pull your shit together enough to say " I know I'll regret it if I don't do this" why, why, WHY are we not doing it? When it comes to the present, why are we saying "I wish I could?" Where has the drive to be better, do better, to WANT more gone? To say the things we SHOULD say cause we might not get a second chance? To do the things we NEED to do cause we CAN? Instead of sitting on our asses playing the I wish card and living life with regret? I just dont get it.
Maybe its time we all made a list of the wishes we have and ask ourselves what we're "wasting" our wishes on. What things we could do, or say and just don't? How many of those wishes will turn into regret? Because those are the ones that really matter. We all have our reasons for making a wish instead of doing something, but I guess the question is; is the reason GOOD enough to live the rest of your life knowing you coulda, shoulda, woulda?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Secrets & Shame
I'm posting before bed tonight, hoping that maybe I'll clear my head enough to fall asleep quickly and deeply.... I have the headphones in and I'm in deep tonight... hoping that somehow I can find a way to escape myself.
I was talking to a friend, who told me that they wish they could tell me their deepest secret... Now of course it makes me wonder what could be so private, that they WISH they could tell me, but don't. What causes us to keep secrets? And why can't we keep them when we should? When I really think about it, I only have one secret. And its not really a secret per se, its just something I keep to myself cause it doesn't really matter, but too precious to share. I find that secrets eat away at us. The ones that we can keep are the ones that have some shame behind them. Something about it makes us feel ashamed. Happy secrets are never really secrets for long.
Is it easy to tell someone else's secret because we are not the bearer of the shame that comes with it? I learned throughout my life that what I really needed in a friend is someone who did not judge. Not easy to come by. And I must say that when you have people like this in your life its like you have removed the weight of the world off your shoulders.... Just KNOWING that they don't judge brings you that deep inner sense of calm and somehow things that at times bring us shame no longer burden us as heavily.
So is our shame brought on by the opinion of others or our opinion of ourselves? And if even in our own opinion we should not be ashamed, do we keep secrets so that others cannot attempt to shame us? Which of course turns into the burden of keeping a secret that we so desperately want to share but won't.
Another friend of mine told me once that lying by omission is still lying. Is this yet another way to add to our burden of shame? We cannot tell the truth because we would be shamed, even when we feel it should be nothing to be ashamed of, so we keep it a secret and then feel ashamed for keeping a secret in the first place because we are now "hiding" the information that we were forced to keep secret in the first place because of the fear of being shamed by others. What an endless circle of torture. It makes me so angry.
I gave up caring if others think I should feel ashamed or not. I am the ONLY person to live with the consequences of my actions. We have enough burdens in life to worry about, without the petty thoughts of people who can't see past their own narrow mindedness. It was letting go of the people who I thought mattered, with their opinions that didn't, that I truly found a way to feel free of the burden of shame and enjoy the fact that I have friends who say "I do/don't agree, but if that's what makes you happy, then I'm behind you 100%" and KNOW that they mean it without question, has rid me of my own thoughts that could cause this burden upon others.
So if you are keeping something deep in your heart cause you're afraid, then I say, in a manner that is far from articulate or orthodox - FUCK EM. Don't burden your soul because people have an opinion different than your own. And if you are ashamed because of your own beliefs then I hope you find a way to lessen your burden and move on. Life is too short to torture yourself.
I was talking to a friend, who told me that they wish they could tell me their deepest secret... Now of course it makes me wonder what could be so private, that they WISH they could tell me, but don't. What causes us to keep secrets? And why can't we keep them when we should? When I really think about it, I only have one secret. And its not really a secret per se, its just something I keep to myself cause it doesn't really matter, but too precious to share. I find that secrets eat away at us. The ones that we can keep are the ones that have some shame behind them. Something about it makes us feel ashamed. Happy secrets are never really secrets for long.
Is it easy to tell someone else's secret because we are not the bearer of the shame that comes with it? I learned throughout my life that what I really needed in a friend is someone who did not judge. Not easy to come by. And I must say that when you have people like this in your life its like you have removed the weight of the world off your shoulders.... Just KNOWING that they don't judge brings you that deep inner sense of calm and somehow things that at times bring us shame no longer burden us as heavily.
So is our shame brought on by the opinion of others or our opinion of ourselves? And if even in our own opinion we should not be ashamed, do we keep secrets so that others cannot attempt to shame us? Which of course turns into the burden of keeping a secret that we so desperately want to share but won't.
Another friend of mine told me once that lying by omission is still lying. Is this yet another way to add to our burden of shame? We cannot tell the truth because we would be shamed, even when we feel it should be nothing to be ashamed of, so we keep it a secret and then feel ashamed for keeping a secret in the first place because we are now "hiding" the information that we were forced to keep secret in the first place because of the fear of being shamed by others. What an endless circle of torture. It makes me so angry.
I gave up caring if others think I should feel ashamed or not. I am the ONLY person to live with the consequences of my actions. We have enough burdens in life to worry about, without the petty thoughts of people who can't see past their own narrow mindedness. It was letting go of the people who I thought mattered, with their opinions that didn't, that I truly found a way to feel free of the burden of shame and enjoy the fact that I have friends who say "I do/don't agree, but if that's what makes you happy, then I'm behind you 100%" and KNOW that they mean it without question, has rid me of my own thoughts that could cause this burden upon others.
So if you are keeping something deep in your heart cause you're afraid, then I say, in a manner that is far from articulate or orthodox - FUCK EM. Don't burden your soul because people have an opinion different than your own. And if you are ashamed because of your own beliefs then I hope you find a way to lessen your burden and move on. Life is too short to torture yourself.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Whisper in whose ear???
Its been a while since my last post.... mainly cause I've been getting some sleep, today however I missed my window to go to bed when I was actually tired, so here I am.
I bought a house today. Signed and everything. And I'm sitting here reflecting on my past 10 years and wondering where the time went.... 10 years ago I was 16 and anxiously counting down the days til my 17Th birthday. Funny how great it was to get older. Do you remember when you were 16? When cute boys (or girls) going out past curfew and groaning over school starting for another year were all you had to worry about? When the smallest things seemed like the end of the world and now they are all fond memories, a right of passage we all go through? And now at 26 I hear myself saying the words my parents used to say to me (and end up rolling my eyes at myself) to my younger sister who is almost 15. I find myself wishing I could go back with everything I know now and do it all over again and just laugh the entire way through it. But I can't help but wonder when the switch flipped.... when I went from needing the advice more than I give it? So I've decided that people DO CHANGE.
The flip of the switch I think is when you get that chance, to find a defining moment; Where you get to decide exactly how you feel without the influence of others.
I moved to Australia when I was 24. I had my going away party and birthday party in the same night. One week later I was on a plane by myself, and I didn't have one god damn second of fear. For the first time in my life I felt FREE. Liberated. I was going somewhere where I could be anyone, do anything, cause there was NO ONE there to judge me or whisper their thoughts in my ear. It was only then that I truly realised how much an influence even the smallest whisper can have. That even a perfect stranger can throw a shred of doubt into you or convince you to sell your soul. So I have to wonder if its really our deepest inner thought that is so subtle we don't even consider it, until that whisper in your ear confirms your every hearts desire, and you didn't even know you desired it in the first place. what happens when we have to search within ourselves to find the answers instead of searching within the voices we trust most, to point out the options we never considered? When we truly begin to trust ourselves with our own advice, is that when we advise with conviction?
The whisper that unveiled my desire to get the fuck out of Winnipeg was Lindsay. A friend I met randomly (I've never met ANYONE this randomly) all it took was one sentence " So go to Australia Jen. Just do it" That's it. Everyone else told me to wait. Save more money, go with friends. But it didn't matter. That one simple sentence had me so convinced that 2 months later I was gone. Where there's a will, there's a way. After that moment I never needed another whisper to convince me to do anything. They would still come, but to my surprise, I'd already thought of what they were whispering about. She had simply said the one thing that unlocked my heart and all it desired.
So maybe when we remove self-doubt, and know in our hearts that we no longer need the thoughts from others to convince us to do the things we already know we should, is when we go from being on the receiving end of a whisper to the ones doing the whispering. Perhaps this why some people cannot give advice... maybe they just never got to have that moment to decide completely on their own. So instead of censoring your advice (and granted you should still choose to word it wisely) let it out. What if your simple whisper changed someone else's heart. What if you said the one thing that no one else was willing to say?
I bought a house today. Signed and everything. And I'm sitting here reflecting on my past 10 years and wondering where the time went.... 10 years ago I was 16 and anxiously counting down the days til my 17Th birthday. Funny how great it was to get older. Do you remember when you were 16? When cute boys (or girls) going out past curfew and groaning over school starting for another year were all you had to worry about? When the smallest things seemed like the end of the world and now they are all fond memories, a right of passage we all go through? And now at 26 I hear myself saying the words my parents used to say to me (and end up rolling my eyes at myself) to my younger sister who is almost 15. I find myself wishing I could go back with everything I know now and do it all over again and just laugh the entire way through it. But I can't help but wonder when the switch flipped.... when I went from needing the advice more than I give it? So I've decided that people DO CHANGE.
The flip of the switch I think is when you get that chance, to find a defining moment; Where you get to decide exactly how you feel without the influence of others.
I moved to Australia when I was 24. I had my going away party and birthday party in the same night. One week later I was on a plane by myself, and I didn't have one god damn second of fear. For the first time in my life I felt FREE. Liberated. I was going somewhere where I could be anyone, do anything, cause there was NO ONE there to judge me or whisper their thoughts in my ear. It was only then that I truly realised how much an influence even the smallest whisper can have. That even a perfect stranger can throw a shred of doubt into you or convince you to sell your soul. So I have to wonder if its really our deepest inner thought that is so subtle we don't even consider it, until that whisper in your ear confirms your every hearts desire, and you didn't even know you desired it in the first place. what happens when we have to search within ourselves to find the answers instead of searching within the voices we trust most, to point out the options we never considered? When we truly begin to trust ourselves with our own advice, is that when we advise with conviction?
The whisper that unveiled my desire to get the fuck out of Winnipeg was Lindsay. A friend I met randomly (I've never met ANYONE this randomly) all it took was one sentence " So go to Australia Jen. Just do it" That's it. Everyone else told me to wait. Save more money, go with friends. But it didn't matter. That one simple sentence had me so convinced that 2 months later I was gone. Where there's a will, there's a way. After that moment I never needed another whisper to convince me to do anything. They would still come, but to my surprise, I'd already thought of what they were whispering about. She had simply said the one thing that unlocked my heart and all it desired.
So maybe when we remove self-doubt, and know in our hearts that we no longer need the thoughts from others to convince us to do the things we already know we should, is when we go from being on the receiving end of a whisper to the ones doing the whispering. Perhaps this why some people cannot give advice... maybe they just never got to have that moment to decide completely on their own. So instead of censoring your advice (and granted you should still choose to word it wisely) let it out. What if your simple whisper changed someone else's heart. What if you said the one thing that no one else was willing to say?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Masochistic Music
Hey there.... so it's not that I've actually been sleeping the past few nights, I've just been so far beyond tired that I couldn't even comprehend the most basic things, nevermind having anything interesting to write about. However, tonight.. here i am.
SO. Keith Urban was in Winnipeg this weekend. Gross. So to set the tone of this blog, I've selected the country playlist on my computer that a friend of mine chose to download while I let her stay at my house too long! (and there for my computer is now password protected...lol) One thing I've never been able to understand is how anyone, AT ALL, ANYWHERE, can enjoy this particular sound that singers or "artists" call country music. First, this is NOT music. It is a horrible, depressing sound that causes suicide. And if it hasn't killed you and you're still listening to it, you're a masochist.
Apparently, masochism is a growing trend these days. Of course, more so in whips and chains than just self -denial and torture. Something I can't wrap my head around is gratification gained from pain. Thankfully, it has been labelled a personality DISORDER. Now, not to say that those of you who occasionally enjoy a smack on the ass while having fantastic sex suffer from this particular disorder, however, where is the line drawn? And who gets to decide when it goes from good old fashion fun to a personality disorder?
The textbook definition of a Masochistic personality is : a personality disorder characterized by the exploitation or infliction of pain on others or oneself so as to gain personal satisfaction or pleasure.
Now, on that note.... every country music singer is now also a masochist. That of course being based completely on the 'infliction' part of the above definition. But all bullshit aside, haven't we all been guilty of wanting to inflict pain on someone for personal gratification at some point? To smack that bitch at work who keeps getting in your face? or the ex boyfriend who cheated on you with some little slut from a bar? And while we've been raised to believe that physical attacks will not solve anything, it still feels way too good to get it off your chest. To actually say "they deserved it" and know without question that its completely true? Is it not true that somewhere deep down inside of us we're all a little masochistic? And I'd like to say that maybe the line goes from "fun" to "disorder" when you start to pay for it (eg: whips)
But now that you can download music for free off the Internet, that theory goes right out the window. And I suppose if you were really hard up, you could always use a stick from the backyard instead of a whip..... oh god. I need to change the music, this torturous shit is fucking me up. Maybe I just need some sense smacked into me and all will be well again :D
SO. Keith Urban was in Winnipeg this weekend. Gross. So to set the tone of this blog, I've selected the country playlist on my computer that a friend of mine chose to download while I let her stay at my house too long! (and there for my computer is now password protected...lol) One thing I've never been able to understand is how anyone, AT ALL, ANYWHERE, can enjoy this particular sound that singers or "artists" call country music. First, this is NOT music. It is a horrible, depressing sound that causes suicide. And if it hasn't killed you and you're still listening to it, you're a masochist.
Apparently, masochism is a growing trend these days. Of course, more so in whips and chains than just self -denial and torture. Something I can't wrap my head around is gratification gained from pain. Thankfully, it has been labelled a personality DISORDER. Now, not to say that those of you who occasionally enjoy a smack on the ass while having fantastic sex suffer from this particular disorder, however, where is the line drawn? And who gets to decide when it goes from good old fashion fun to a personality disorder?
The textbook definition of a Masochistic personality is : a personality disorder characterized by the exploitation or infliction of pain on others or oneself so as to gain personal satisfaction or pleasure.
Now, on that note.... every country music singer is now also a masochist. That of course being based completely on the 'infliction' part of the above definition. But all bullshit aside, haven't we all been guilty of wanting to inflict pain on someone for personal gratification at some point? To smack that bitch at work who keeps getting in your face? or the ex boyfriend who cheated on you with some little slut from a bar? And while we've been raised to believe that physical attacks will not solve anything, it still feels way too good to get it off your chest. To actually say "they deserved it" and know without question that its completely true? Is it not true that somewhere deep down inside of us we're all a little masochistic? And I'd like to say that maybe the line goes from "fun" to "disorder" when you start to pay for it (eg: whips)
But now that you can download music for free off the Internet, that theory goes right out the window. And I suppose if you were really hard up, you could always use a stick from the backyard instead of a whip..... oh god. I need to change the music, this torturous shit is fucking me up. Maybe I just need some sense smacked into me and all will be well again :D
Saturday, September 26, 2009
"Most men come and go, and real friends understand"
ahhhhhhh for fucks sake!
I think I've become "immune" (see previous postings for reference of what the hell I"m talking about)
So headphones in, a minor ear ache but I don't really care to be honest... my head is throwing around my friendships today... so I started the shuffle with photograph.
I've spent my entire life looking for the quality I find in my small but highly exclusive group of friends. It is so hard to find it in one person, ONE. Nevermind a group. Looking back to friends of the past, its strange but true that all of them contributed to shaping me into who I am. Somehow, the ones who really meant something, regardless of who they are now, left their fingerprints on me while helping to mould me, contributing to the very essence of who I am as a person. Who knew that childhood friends, high school gossip, parties, and backstabbing would make such a difference. Battling my way through life with these people by my side gave me the foundation I needed to decide on what I want and need in a friend. Since it has been said that "men come and go, but friends are forever" I've decided to pick this apart and see how much I really believe in that saying that our friends have dished out while trying to make us feel guilty for ditching them for a new toy.
"Waiting on the world to change"
The saying that relationships come and go, but friends are forever.... is just poorly said. Actually, HORRIBLY said. Every friend wants to believe that they are a good enough friend to be worthy of forever. That they are more worthy or at the very least equal to the man you could be with for the rest of your life. But the truth of it is, most aren't. The very idea that the hours of shopping, laughing, gossiping, crying, and all those other things that friends do, can so easily be put aside for a possibility is enough to push some friends away. The fact of the matter is this; that is absolute, complete HORSE SHIT. I believe that a real friend, a true friend, would not under any circumstances be affected by the mere idea of being cast aside. Because, they would know that you are not casting them aside, but you are exercising your right divert your attention to someone who may not yet have faith that you will always be there. Someone who may not have put in the time and love into a relationship like others in your life have done. Friends who are worthy of forever do not put a date stamp on your last phone call, but exercise quality control instead.
"Paralyzer"
To have friends who don't judge you, no matter what your choices may be, are rare. Truly rare. And in my eyes, if you are stupid enough to be the friend of theirs that is not worthy of forever, then the problem lies with you. Not your friends. So my answer is this "Most men come and go, and real friends understand"
"all summer long"
So on that note, I raise an invisible bottle of corona in the air, and make a toast to my nearest & dearest. I thank you for standing beside me even when I embarass you, for holding me up when the gin bottle gets too heavy for me, for letting me rest my head on your shoulder when we've ended up somewhere that has no pillows, for making me cry from laughing so hard, for crying for me when my heart is broken, for hugging me for no reason at all, and for being so fucking awesome that I know I never have to worry that you'll feel "cast aside" when I'm with a guy who is almost as amazing as you.
I think I've become "immune" (see previous postings for reference of what the hell I"m talking about)
So headphones in, a minor ear ache but I don't really care to be honest... my head is throwing around my friendships today... so I started the shuffle with photograph.
I've spent my entire life looking for the quality I find in my small but highly exclusive group of friends. It is so hard to find it in one person, ONE. Nevermind a group. Looking back to friends of the past, its strange but true that all of them contributed to shaping me into who I am. Somehow, the ones who really meant something, regardless of who they are now, left their fingerprints on me while helping to mould me, contributing to the very essence of who I am as a person. Who knew that childhood friends, high school gossip, parties, and backstabbing would make such a difference. Battling my way through life with these people by my side gave me the foundation I needed to decide on what I want and need in a friend. Since it has been said that "men come and go, but friends are forever" I've decided to pick this apart and see how much I really believe in that saying that our friends have dished out while trying to make us feel guilty for ditching them for a new toy.
"Waiting on the world to change"
The saying that relationships come and go, but friends are forever.... is just poorly said. Actually, HORRIBLY said. Every friend wants to believe that they are a good enough friend to be worthy of forever. That they are more worthy or at the very least equal to the man you could be with for the rest of your life. But the truth of it is, most aren't. The very idea that the hours of shopping, laughing, gossiping, crying, and all those other things that friends do, can so easily be put aside for a possibility is enough to push some friends away. The fact of the matter is this; that is absolute, complete HORSE SHIT. I believe that a real friend, a true friend, would not under any circumstances be affected by the mere idea of being cast aside. Because, they would know that you are not casting them aside, but you are exercising your right divert your attention to someone who may not yet have faith that you will always be there. Someone who may not have put in the time and love into a relationship like others in your life have done. Friends who are worthy of forever do not put a date stamp on your last phone call, but exercise quality control instead.
"Paralyzer"
To have friends who don't judge you, no matter what your choices may be, are rare. Truly rare. And in my eyes, if you are stupid enough to be the friend of theirs that is not worthy of forever, then the problem lies with you. Not your friends. So my answer is this "Most men come and go, and real friends understand"
"all summer long"
So on that note, I raise an invisible bottle of corona in the air, and make a toast to my nearest & dearest. I thank you for standing beside me even when I embarass you, for holding me up when the gin bottle gets too heavy for me, for letting me rest my head on your shoulder when we've ended up somewhere that has no pillows, for making me cry from laughing so hard, for crying for me when my heart is broken, for hugging me for no reason at all, and for being so fucking awesome that I know I never have to worry that you'll feel "cast aside" when I'm with a guy who is almost as amazing as you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Having the cake....
I slept last night.... Thanks to waking up early and a sleeping pill!
The morning is starting with "no surprise"
Somehow this song has just the right beat to make you feel awake without being in your face, not your typical Theory of a deadman tune. HA!
The lyrics for some reason take me back to "the one that got away"
Not that he left me "hanging" in a sexual way... but more so that our timing was always off. No lack of emotion on either part, but somehow we could never come together. Its frustrating really. I feel like that part of my life is a bad love story. You know, the kind where boy meets girl, but it doesn't work so 25 years later after he leaves his wife and her husband dies in some tragic accident and is a mess and trying to "find herself" again, she runs into said boy from 25 years ago and all is good again. Like honestly, what. the. fuck? Who's life really happens that way?? So now that the song has switched to "bad girlfriend" it fuels my animosity towards this entire situation.
To think about it without the hostility, makes my heart ache. A buried memory that is too precious to let go of, but too hard to remember frequently. And like my heart willed it to happen, the song shifts to "hell & high water" and it all resurfaces.... even as my friend, I MISS him. I don't really miss people per se. Cause I know that if its meant to be I'll see them again, but I can't get to that point with this one. Somehow the twists of life have royally fucked me in this particular aspect but blessed me in others. Its emotional abuse!!! To love my life as it is, and wouldn't give it up for anything, but the one thing its missing is what would cost me everything. Which I guess, ironically enough, means it isn't everything after all....
Some it comes down to the torturous question of; is the risk worth the reward? Impossible. They don't even fall into the same class to be comparable. Is it true that we really can't have everything? And of course the definition of "everything" is different for everyone. I mean, what is the point of having the cake if you can't eat it too? If my life was different, would I still be wondering if the grass was greener? Wishing that I had all the things I have right now? "I will always love you" started and for some reason this sappy love song from the bodyguard, settles me. To have faith in ourselves, that we've made the right choices and decisions takes a lifetime. And so it may be, that we do have to have that small thought in the back of our hearts and heads of "what would have been." Regardless of it being a career, person, place or otherwise. Human nature forces us to contemplate this. We struggle for more than just self satisfaction, aiming for perfection but only merely achieving happily comfortable at best. Perfection only being achieved when all doubt and wonder are taken away entirely. "Belief" by John Mayer... And doesn't it just piss you right off when you finally get to the point where you have no doubt or wonder of "what could have been" and then someone plants it right back into your head & heart?
Some people really do hold the key to Pandora's box don't they? The most amusing part of the Pandora's box, is at the bottom there is always hope. When, if ever, do we get to get a glimpse? Maybe that's heaven... We get to relive our lives over and over, making different choices to get a glimpse, to have that perfection we always strive for but could never achieve because of human nature. That we finally get to know what really would have been, that our lifetime of wonder was all for nothing... or worse....for everything.
The morning is starting with "no surprise"
Somehow this song has just the right beat to make you feel awake without being in your face, not your typical Theory of a deadman tune. HA!
The lyrics for some reason take me back to "the one that got away"
Not that he left me "hanging" in a sexual way... but more so that our timing was always off. No lack of emotion on either part, but somehow we could never come together. Its frustrating really. I feel like that part of my life is a bad love story. You know, the kind where boy meets girl, but it doesn't work so 25 years later after he leaves his wife and her husband dies in some tragic accident and is a mess and trying to "find herself" again, she runs into said boy from 25 years ago and all is good again. Like honestly, what. the. fuck? Who's life really happens that way?? So now that the song has switched to "bad girlfriend" it fuels my animosity towards this entire situation.
To think about it without the hostility, makes my heart ache. A buried memory that is too precious to let go of, but too hard to remember frequently. And like my heart willed it to happen, the song shifts to "hell & high water" and it all resurfaces.... even as my friend, I MISS him. I don't really miss people per se. Cause I know that if its meant to be I'll see them again, but I can't get to that point with this one. Somehow the twists of life have royally fucked me in this particular aspect but blessed me in others. Its emotional abuse!!! To love my life as it is, and wouldn't give it up for anything, but the one thing its missing is what would cost me everything. Which I guess, ironically enough, means it isn't everything after all....
Some it comes down to the torturous question of; is the risk worth the reward? Impossible. They don't even fall into the same class to be comparable. Is it true that we really can't have everything? And of course the definition of "everything" is different for everyone. I mean, what is the point of having the cake if you can't eat it too? If my life was different, would I still be wondering if the grass was greener? Wishing that I had all the things I have right now? "I will always love you" started and for some reason this sappy love song from the bodyguard, settles me. To have faith in ourselves, that we've made the right choices and decisions takes a lifetime. And so it may be, that we do have to have that small thought in the back of our hearts and heads of "what would have been." Regardless of it being a career, person, place or otherwise. Human nature forces us to contemplate this. We struggle for more than just self satisfaction, aiming for perfection but only merely achieving happily comfortable at best. Perfection only being achieved when all doubt and wonder are taken away entirely. "Belief" by John Mayer... And doesn't it just piss you right off when you finally get to the point where you have no doubt or wonder of "what could have been" and then someone plants it right back into your head & heart?
Some people really do hold the key to Pandora's box don't they? The most amusing part of the Pandora's box, is at the bottom there is always hope. When, if ever, do we get to get a glimpse? Maybe that's heaven... We get to relive our lives over and over, making different choices to get a glimpse, to have that perfection we always strive for but could never achieve because of human nature. That we finally get to know what really would have been, that our lifetime of wonder was all for nothing... or worse....for everything.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A serene moment
So its late... not as late as yesterday though.
I plugged the headphones into the computer so I don't end up with a dead battery when feeling nostalgic... as I often do lately. I fell for a new song today its called "what if you" by Joshua Radin. A beautiful piece that doesn't take me back somewhere by association, but by choice. I closed my eyes and fell into the music, letting my memory drift to a thousand places I didn't even know existed anymore. Places and people who touched my heart, dug their heels in deeper than I would have let them if I had a choice. Smiling to myself I fall back in love with every moment, and the reassurance that I really won't forget. There are truly moments that fall into the cliche of taking your breath away, long after the heartache, the loss and all the aftermath. Human emotion really does push past the hurt when you've really moved on and allow us to relish in the simplest, most tender, exhilarating motions of our heart and mind.
You hear about the babble of "inner peace"
Textbook definition is : a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress.
or in Jen terms... You can keep your shit together.
Others say "go to your happy place"
The latter one suits this written thought better. When I take myself back to a place and time with some sort warmth etched into my soul and the very being of who I am, I look at the moment at hand with the satisfaction of knowing that at some point it too, could be remembered this way in the future. And if not, if its really not worth remembering that way, then maybe its not worth being stressed about.
So to think back, be taken back, sometimes before we can even prepare ourselves for the reaction to what we will remember, cause it can sneak up behind us and bite us in the ass when we least expect it; can be a serene moment, a private time in your heart and head that cannot be taken away even if interuptted. The moment it embedded itself into your memory bank changed you. Something about it at the time was so fantastic that it stuck with you and will stick with you, only to come up every now and again and take your breath away all over again. And I've got to say, out of all simple pleasures I can think of (and I did say SIMPLE pleasures) this one has got to be my favourite. I guess this is why old people have so many photo albums, their hearts are already full from a lifetime of memories. My only hope is that I get the utmost priviliage of growing old and having my heart be that full.
I plugged the headphones into the computer so I don't end up with a dead battery when feeling nostalgic... as I often do lately. I fell for a new song today its called "what if you" by Joshua Radin. A beautiful piece that doesn't take me back somewhere by association, but by choice. I closed my eyes and fell into the music, letting my memory drift to a thousand places I didn't even know existed anymore. Places and people who touched my heart, dug their heels in deeper than I would have let them if I had a choice. Smiling to myself I fall back in love with every moment, and the reassurance that I really won't forget. There are truly moments that fall into the cliche of taking your breath away, long after the heartache, the loss and all the aftermath. Human emotion really does push past the hurt when you've really moved on and allow us to relish in the simplest, most tender, exhilarating motions of our heart and mind.
You hear about the babble of "inner peace"
Textbook definition is : a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress.
or in Jen terms... You can keep your shit together.
Others say "go to your happy place"
The latter one suits this written thought better. When I take myself back to a place and time with some sort warmth etched into my soul and the very being of who I am, I look at the moment at hand with the satisfaction of knowing that at some point it too, could be remembered this way in the future. And if not, if its really not worth remembering that way, then maybe its not worth being stressed about.
So to think back, be taken back, sometimes before we can even prepare ourselves for the reaction to what we will remember, cause it can sneak up behind us and bite us in the ass when we least expect it; can be a serene moment, a private time in your heart and head that cannot be taken away even if interuptted. The moment it embedded itself into your memory bank changed you. Something about it at the time was so fantastic that it stuck with you and will stick with you, only to come up every now and again and take your breath away all over again. And I've got to say, out of all simple pleasures I can think of (and I did say SIMPLE pleasures) this one has got to be my favourite. I guess this is why old people have so many photo albums, their hearts are already full from a lifetime of memories. My only hope is that I get the utmost priviliage of growing old and having my heart be that full.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Music, Memories & the soul
Hey everyone,
Welcome to my new blog! I had to find something to help me sleep at night and i don't use myspace anymore!! Anyways... I write really random stuff, some happy, some downright crude. So enjoy, writing is something that really lets me be myself...
So its 1:24am and I can't sleep for the life of me... a problem that I often have. The lady at the drugstore says not to use sleeping pills for more than a week straight or you get immune to them. Wtf? Why do they make them in packs of 40 then?? whatever. Wine is also another form of "sleeping pill" for me. One glass and an hour later i'm out cold. But that is getting a little pricy...lol. Next attempt to fall asleep... Music. Now why the FUCK did I think that would help?? Like opening the doors to your very soul and all your memories (good and bad) would help me sleep. Stupid STUPID Jen....
MP3 is on shuffle... lets see what it gives me tonight
"Have a little faith in me"
Stare off into space for a moment and remember....
ah yes.... there it is.... the ex... so nice to remember you at this god forsaken hour.
Makes me remember why you just couldn't deliver? No matter how much faith I put in you, somehow you always let me down. 3 years, endless tears and finally a breaking point that sent me to the other side of the world, and somehow I still don't hate you. I should. I should hate you forever...and I broke up with you. Its not very often you meet a guy, who says he loves you and openly admits to calling you down so you won't leave him. Sad. Next song....
"bleeding love"
LUCAS!!! :D Now this song can have all kinds of memories... but the first one that comes to mind is a good one... actually a favourite. I moved to Brisbane, Australia for a while... met an 18 year old guy who just made everything better all the time. ALL THE TIME! How often does that happen?? It was stupid, sticky hot night at 2am, laying on his bed with the radio on, and there is Leona... with just the right tune to make it the perfect night to be there forgetting all the reasons I was there in the first place... Leona & Luke... perfect pair. Next!
"feeling Love"
mmmmmmmmmmm sex...... Paula cole found her way deep into my soul with this one. Part of a "get ready" to go out and have TOO much fun with friends kinda tune... super HOT bath with wine (or gin) depended on my mood :D relax and sweat the day out, make you feel amazing kinda tune, it STILL has that power, even sitting here, I stop sometimes, close my eyes and just get lost in her lyrical porn.... but her voice makes it more erotic than your typical type of "gross demeaning porn" Definately a private, personal way to wind down and wind yourself up at the same time. The one and only paula cole song I've ever fallen for.... god its fuckin fantastic. Look it up ladies when you're home alone and want to feel amazing. click and shuffle....
oooooo this is a goodie!
"lit up"
Buck Cherry.... I've been having a party with you for years now!!! HOT HOT summer nights in Winnipeg (home) with Jo, the camero, the pal and even HOTTER men.... a bottle of gin, shots of tequila.. oh jesus, I'm smiling as I write this and the memories flood my head. Life was perfection at its best. Anything in the world could have been happening but when this time of night and this song came around, NOTHING mattered... nothing. Shuffle.
hmmm interesting.
"Me & You"
My first club experience in Australia. White tank top, dark skinny jeans, 5 inch stilletoes... the heat. A bottle of corona in hand. I got lost in the music, forgetting EVERYTHING. Nothing hurt... nothing missed. Life was just beginning.... not everyone gets the chance to start fresh. And I moved 8000 miles just so I could do that, and for the first time since I arrived... I felt convinced that I could and would do just that.
and my battery dies. Probably a sign that I should quit on a good one. But all songs aside, truly music is a huge key to our soul. The things we have put away or forgotten until the power of song, tied into that lost memory triggers the past and somehow we can go back, and remember everything. Right down to who we're with, what we were wearing and how we felt. Not always good memories, and some people say they don't associate music with people or memories. I flat out call you a liar. You don't get a choice. Music and memories... you have to have at least one. If you don't, you have fucking issues.
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