Hey there.... so it's not that I've actually been sleeping the past few nights, I've just been so far beyond tired that I couldn't even comprehend the most basic things, nevermind having anything interesting to write about. However, tonight.. here i am.
SO. Keith Urban was in Winnipeg this weekend. Gross. So to set the tone of this blog, I've selected the country playlist on my computer that a friend of mine chose to download while I let her stay at my house too long! (and there for my computer is now password protected...lol) One thing I've never been able to understand is how anyone, AT ALL, ANYWHERE, can enjoy this particular sound that singers or "artists" call country music. First, this is NOT music. It is a horrible, depressing sound that causes suicide. And if it hasn't killed you and you're still listening to it, you're a masochist.
Apparently, masochism is a growing trend these days. Of course, more so in whips and chains than just self -denial and torture. Something I can't wrap my head around is gratification gained from pain. Thankfully, it has been labelled a personality DISORDER. Now, not to say that those of you who occasionally enjoy a smack on the ass while having fantastic sex suffer from this particular disorder, however, where is the line drawn? And who gets to decide when it goes from good old fashion fun to a personality disorder?
The textbook definition of a Masochistic personality is : a personality disorder characterized by the exploitation or infliction of pain on others or oneself so as to gain personal satisfaction or pleasure.
Now, on that note.... every country music singer is now also a masochist. That of course being based completely on the 'infliction' part of the above definition. But all bullshit aside, haven't we all been guilty of wanting to inflict pain on someone for personal gratification at some point? To smack that bitch at work who keeps getting in your face? or the ex boyfriend who cheated on you with some little slut from a bar? And while we've been raised to believe that physical attacks will not solve anything, it still feels way too good to get it off your chest. To actually say "they deserved it" and know without question that its completely true? Is it not true that somewhere deep down inside of us we're all a little masochistic? And I'd like to say that maybe the line goes from "fun" to "disorder" when you start to pay for it (eg: whips)
But now that you can download music for free off the Internet, that theory goes right out the window. And I suppose if you were really hard up, you could always use a stick from the backyard instead of a whip..... oh god. I need to change the music, this torturous shit is fucking me up. Maybe I just need some sense smacked into me and all will be well again :D
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
"Most men come and go, and real friends understand"
ahhhhhhh for fucks sake!
I think I've become "immune" (see previous postings for reference of what the hell I"m talking about)
So headphones in, a minor ear ache but I don't really care to be honest... my head is throwing around my friendships today... so I started the shuffle with photograph.
I've spent my entire life looking for the quality I find in my small but highly exclusive group of friends. It is so hard to find it in one person, ONE. Nevermind a group. Looking back to friends of the past, its strange but true that all of them contributed to shaping me into who I am. Somehow, the ones who really meant something, regardless of who they are now, left their fingerprints on me while helping to mould me, contributing to the very essence of who I am as a person. Who knew that childhood friends, high school gossip, parties, and backstabbing would make such a difference. Battling my way through life with these people by my side gave me the foundation I needed to decide on what I want and need in a friend. Since it has been said that "men come and go, but friends are forever" I've decided to pick this apart and see how much I really believe in that saying that our friends have dished out while trying to make us feel guilty for ditching them for a new toy.
"Waiting on the world to change"
The saying that relationships come and go, but friends are forever.... is just poorly said. Actually, HORRIBLY said. Every friend wants to believe that they are a good enough friend to be worthy of forever. That they are more worthy or at the very least equal to the man you could be with for the rest of your life. But the truth of it is, most aren't. The very idea that the hours of shopping, laughing, gossiping, crying, and all those other things that friends do, can so easily be put aside for a possibility is enough to push some friends away. The fact of the matter is this; that is absolute, complete HORSE SHIT. I believe that a real friend, a true friend, would not under any circumstances be affected by the mere idea of being cast aside. Because, they would know that you are not casting them aside, but you are exercising your right divert your attention to someone who may not yet have faith that you will always be there. Someone who may not have put in the time and love into a relationship like others in your life have done. Friends who are worthy of forever do not put a date stamp on your last phone call, but exercise quality control instead.
"Paralyzer"
To have friends who don't judge you, no matter what your choices may be, are rare. Truly rare. And in my eyes, if you are stupid enough to be the friend of theirs that is not worthy of forever, then the problem lies with you. Not your friends. So my answer is this "Most men come and go, and real friends understand"
"all summer long"
So on that note, I raise an invisible bottle of corona in the air, and make a toast to my nearest & dearest. I thank you for standing beside me even when I embarass you, for holding me up when the gin bottle gets too heavy for me, for letting me rest my head on your shoulder when we've ended up somewhere that has no pillows, for making me cry from laughing so hard, for crying for me when my heart is broken, for hugging me for no reason at all, and for being so fucking awesome that I know I never have to worry that you'll feel "cast aside" when I'm with a guy who is almost as amazing as you.
I think I've become "immune" (see previous postings for reference of what the hell I"m talking about)
So headphones in, a minor ear ache but I don't really care to be honest... my head is throwing around my friendships today... so I started the shuffle with photograph.
I've spent my entire life looking for the quality I find in my small but highly exclusive group of friends. It is so hard to find it in one person, ONE. Nevermind a group. Looking back to friends of the past, its strange but true that all of them contributed to shaping me into who I am. Somehow, the ones who really meant something, regardless of who they are now, left their fingerprints on me while helping to mould me, contributing to the very essence of who I am as a person. Who knew that childhood friends, high school gossip, parties, and backstabbing would make such a difference. Battling my way through life with these people by my side gave me the foundation I needed to decide on what I want and need in a friend. Since it has been said that "men come and go, but friends are forever" I've decided to pick this apart and see how much I really believe in that saying that our friends have dished out while trying to make us feel guilty for ditching them for a new toy.
"Waiting on the world to change"
The saying that relationships come and go, but friends are forever.... is just poorly said. Actually, HORRIBLY said. Every friend wants to believe that they are a good enough friend to be worthy of forever. That they are more worthy or at the very least equal to the man you could be with for the rest of your life. But the truth of it is, most aren't. The very idea that the hours of shopping, laughing, gossiping, crying, and all those other things that friends do, can so easily be put aside for a possibility is enough to push some friends away. The fact of the matter is this; that is absolute, complete HORSE SHIT. I believe that a real friend, a true friend, would not under any circumstances be affected by the mere idea of being cast aside. Because, they would know that you are not casting them aside, but you are exercising your right divert your attention to someone who may not yet have faith that you will always be there. Someone who may not have put in the time and love into a relationship like others in your life have done. Friends who are worthy of forever do not put a date stamp on your last phone call, but exercise quality control instead.
"Paralyzer"
To have friends who don't judge you, no matter what your choices may be, are rare. Truly rare. And in my eyes, if you are stupid enough to be the friend of theirs that is not worthy of forever, then the problem lies with you. Not your friends. So my answer is this "Most men come and go, and real friends understand"
"all summer long"
So on that note, I raise an invisible bottle of corona in the air, and make a toast to my nearest & dearest. I thank you for standing beside me even when I embarass you, for holding me up when the gin bottle gets too heavy for me, for letting me rest my head on your shoulder when we've ended up somewhere that has no pillows, for making me cry from laughing so hard, for crying for me when my heart is broken, for hugging me for no reason at all, and for being so fucking awesome that I know I never have to worry that you'll feel "cast aside" when I'm with a guy who is almost as amazing as you.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Having the cake....
I slept last night.... Thanks to waking up early and a sleeping pill!
The morning is starting with "no surprise"
Somehow this song has just the right beat to make you feel awake without being in your face, not your typical Theory of a deadman tune. HA!
The lyrics for some reason take me back to "the one that got away"
Not that he left me "hanging" in a sexual way... but more so that our timing was always off. No lack of emotion on either part, but somehow we could never come together. Its frustrating really. I feel like that part of my life is a bad love story. You know, the kind where boy meets girl, but it doesn't work so 25 years later after he leaves his wife and her husband dies in some tragic accident and is a mess and trying to "find herself" again, she runs into said boy from 25 years ago and all is good again. Like honestly, what. the. fuck? Who's life really happens that way?? So now that the song has switched to "bad girlfriend" it fuels my animosity towards this entire situation.
To think about it without the hostility, makes my heart ache. A buried memory that is too precious to let go of, but too hard to remember frequently. And like my heart willed it to happen, the song shifts to "hell & high water" and it all resurfaces.... even as my friend, I MISS him. I don't really miss people per se. Cause I know that if its meant to be I'll see them again, but I can't get to that point with this one. Somehow the twists of life have royally fucked me in this particular aspect but blessed me in others. Its emotional abuse!!! To love my life as it is, and wouldn't give it up for anything, but the one thing its missing is what would cost me everything. Which I guess, ironically enough, means it isn't everything after all....
Some it comes down to the torturous question of; is the risk worth the reward? Impossible. They don't even fall into the same class to be comparable. Is it true that we really can't have everything? And of course the definition of "everything" is different for everyone. I mean, what is the point of having the cake if you can't eat it too? If my life was different, would I still be wondering if the grass was greener? Wishing that I had all the things I have right now? "I will always love you" started and for some reason this sappy love song from the bodyguard, settles me. To have faith in ourselves, that we've made the right choices and decisions takes a lifetime. And so it may be, that we do have to have that small thought in the back of our hearts and heads of "what would have been." Regardless of it being a career, person, place or otherwise. Human nature forces us to contemplate this. We struggle for more than just self satisfaction, aiming for perfection but only merely achieving happily comfortable at best. Perfection only being achieved when all doubt and wonder are taken away entirely. "Belief" by John Mayer... And doesn't it just piss you right off when you finally get to the point where you have no doubt or wonder of "what could have been" and then someone plants it right back into your head & heart?
Some people really do hold the key to Pandora's box don't they? The most amusing part of the Pandora's box, is at the bottom there is always hope. When, if ever, do we get to get a glimpse? Maybe that's heaven... We get to relive our lives over and over, making different choices to get a glimpse, to have that perfection we always strive for but could never achieve because of human nature. That we finally get to know what really would have been, that our lifetime of wonder was all for nothing... or worse....for everything.
The morning is starting with "no surprise"
Somehow this song has just the right beat to make you feel awake without being in your face, not your typical Theory of a deadman tune. HA!
The lyrics for some reason take me back to "the one that got away"
Not that he left me "hanging" in a sexual way... but more so that our timing was always off. No lack of emotion on either part, but somehow we could never come together. Its frustrating really. I feel like that part of my life is a bad love story. You know, the kind where boy meets girl, but it doesn't work so 25 years later after he leaves his wife and her husband dies in some tragic accident and is a mess and trying to "find herself" again, she runs into said boy from 25 years ago and all is good again. Like honestly, what. the. fuck? Who's life really happens that way?? So now that the song has switched to "bad girlfriend" it fuels my animosity towards this entire situation.
To think about it without the hostility, makes my heart ache. A buried memory that is too precious to let go of, but too hard to remember frequently. And like my heart willed it to happen, the song shifts to "hell & high water" and it all resurfaces.... even as my friend, I MISS him. I don't really miss people per se. Cause I know that if its meant to be I'll see them again, but I can't get to that point with this one. Somehow the twists of life have royally fucked me in this particular aspect but blessed me in others. Its emotional abuse!!! To love my life as it is, and wouldn't give it up for anything, but the one thing its missing is what would cost me everything. Which I guess, ironically enough, means it isn't everything after all....
Some it comes down to the torturous question of; is the risk worth the reward? Impossible. They don't even fall into the same class to be comparable. Is it true that we really can't have everything? And of course the definition of "everything" is different for everyone. I mean, what is the point of having the cake if you can't eat it too? If my life was different, would I still be wondering if the grass was greener? Wishing that I had all the things I have right now? "I will always love you" started and for some reason this sappy love song from the bodyguard, settles me. To have faith in ourselves, that we've made the right choices and decisions takes a lifetime. And so it may be, that we do have to have that small thought in the back of our hearts and heads of "what would have been." Regardless of it being a career, person, place or otherwise. Human nature forces us to contemplate this. We struggle for more than just self satisfaction, aiming for perfection but only merely achieving happily comfortable at best. Perfection only being achieved when all doubt and wonder are taken away entirely. "Belief" by John Mayer... And doesn't it just piss you right off when you finally get to the point where you have no doubt or wonder of "what could have been" and then someone plants it right back into your head & heart?
Some people really do hold the key to Pandora's box don't they? The most amusing part of the Pandora's box, is at the bottom there is always hope. When, if ever, do we get to get a glimpse? Maybe that's heaven... We get to relive our lives over and over, making different choices to get a glimpse, to have that perfection we always strive for but could never achieve because of human nature. That we finally get to know what really would have been, that our lifetime of wonder was all for nothing... or worse....for everything.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A serene moment
So its late... not as late as yesterday though.
I plugged the headphones into the computer so I don't end up with a dead battery when feeling nostalgic... as I often do lately. I fell for a new song today its called "what if you" by Joshua Radin. A beautiful piece that doesn't take me back somewhere by association, but by choice. I closed my eyes and fell into the music, letting my memory drift to a thousand places I didn't even know existed anymore. Places and people who touched my heart, dug their heels in deeper than I would have let them if I had a choice. Smiling to myself I fall back in love with every moment, and the reassurance that I really won't forget. There are truly moments that fall into the cliche of taking your breath away, long after the heartache, the loss and all the aftermath. Human emotion really does push past the hurt when you've really moved on and allow us to relish in the simplest, most tender, exhilarating motions of our heart and mind.
You hear about the babble of "inner peace"
Textbook definition is : a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress.
or in Jen terms... You can keep your shit together.
Others say "go to your happy place"
The latter one suits this written thought better. When I take myself back to a place and time with some sort warmth etched into my soul and the very being of who I am, I look at the moment at hand with the satisfaction of knowing that at some point it too, could be remembered this way in the future. And if not, if its really not worth remembering that way, then maybe its not worth being stressed about.
So to think back, be taken back, sometimes before we can even prepare ourselves for the reaction to what we will remember, cause it can sneak up behind us and bite us in the ass when we least expect it; can be a serene moment, a private time in your heart and head that cannot be taken away even if interuptted. The moment it embedded itself into your memory bank changed you. Something about it at the time was so fantastic that it stuck with you and will stick with you, only to come up every now and again and take your breath away all over again. And I've got to say, out of all simple pleasures I can think of (and I did say SIMPLE pleasures) this one has got to be my favourite. I guess this is why old people have so many photo albums, their hearts are already full from a lifetime of memories. My only hope is that I get the utmost priviliage of growing old and having my heart be that full.
I plugged the headphones into the computer so I don't end up with a dead battery when feeling nostalgic... as I often do lately. I fell for a new song today its called "what if you" by Joshua Radin. A beautiful piece that doesn't take me back somewhere by association, but by choice. I closed my eyes and fell into the music, letting my memory drift to a thousand places I didn't even know existed anymore. Places and people who touched my heart, dug their heels in deeper than I would have let them if I had a choice. Smiling to myself I fall back in love with every moment, and the reassurance that I really won't forget. There are truly moments that fall into the cliche of taking your breath away, long after the heartache, the loss and all the aftermath. Human emotion really does push past the hurt when you've really moved on and allow us to relish in the simplest, most tender, exhilarating motions of our heart and mind.
You hear about the babble of "inner peace"
Textbook definition is : a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord or stress.
or in Jen terms... You can keep your shit together.
Others say "go to your happy place"
The latter one suits this written thought better. When I take myself back to a place and time with some sort warmth etched into my soul and the very being of who I am, I look at the moment at hand with the satisfaction of knowing that at some point it too, could be remembered this way in the future. And if not, if its really not worth remembering that way, then maybe its not worth being stressed about.
So to think back, be taken back, sometimes before we can even prepare ourselves for the reaction to what we will remember, cause it can sneak up behind us and bite us in the ass when we least expect it; can be a serene moment, a private time in your heart and head that cannot be taken away even if interuptted. The moment it embedded itself into your memory bank changed you. Something about it at the time was so fantastic that it stuck with you and will stick with you, only to come up every now and again and take your breath away all over again. And I've got to say, out of all simple pleasures I can think of (and I did say SIMPLE pleasures) this one has got to be my favourite. I guess this is why old people have so many photo albums, their hearts are already full from a lifetime of memories. My only hope is that I get the utmost priviliage of growing old and having my heart be that full.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Music, Memories & the soul
Hey everyone,
Welcome to my new blog! I had to find something to help me sleep at night and i don't use myspace anymore!! Anyways... I write really random stuff, some happy, some downright crude. So enjoy, writing is something that really lets me be myself...
So its 1:24am and I can't sleep for the life of me... a problem that I often have. The lady at the drugstore says not to use sleeping pills for more than a week straight or you get immune to them. Wtf? Why do they make them in packs of 40 then?? whatever. Wine is also another form of "sleeping pill" for me. One glass and an hour later i'm out cold. But that is getting a little pricy...lol. Next attempt to fall asleep... Music. Now why the FUCK did I think that would help?? Like opening the doors to your very soul and all your memories (good and bad) would help me sleep. Stupid STUPID Jen....
MP3 is on shuffle... lets see what it gives me tonight
"Have a little faith in me"
Stare off into space for a moment and remember....
ah yes.... there it is.... the ex... so nice to remember you at this god forsaken hour.
Makes me remember why you just couldn't deliver? No matter how much faith I put in you, somehow you always let me down. 3 years, endless tears and finally a breaking point that sent me to the other side of the world, and somehow I still don't hate you. I should. I should hate you forever...and I broke up with you. Its not very often you meet a guy, who says he loves you and openly admits to calling you down so you won't leave him. Sad. Next song....
"bleeding love"
LUCAS!!! :D Now this song can have all kinds of memories... but the first one that comes to mind is a good one... actually a favourite. I moved to Brisbane, Australia for a while... met an 18 year old guy who just made everything better all the time. ALL THE TIME! How often does that happen?? It was stupid, sticky hot night at 2am, laying on his bed with the radio on, and there is Leona... with just the right tune to make it the perfect night to be there forgetting all the reasons I was there in the first place... Leona & Luke... perfect pair. Next!
"feeling Love"
mmmmmmmmmmm sex...... Paula cole found her way deep into my soul with this one. Part of a "get ready" to go out and have TOO much fun with friends kinda tune... super HOT bath with wine (or gin) depended on my mood :D relax and sweat the day out, make you feel amazing kinda tune, it STILL has that power, even sitting here, I stop sometimes, close my eyes and just get lost in her lyrical porn.... but her voice makes it more erotic than your typical type of "gross demeaning porn" Definately a private, personal way to wind down and wind yourself up at the same time. The one and only paula cole song I've ever fallen for.... god its fuckin fantastic. Look it up ladies when you're home alone and want to feel amazing. click and shuffle....
oooooo this is a goodie!
"lit up"
Buck Cherry.... I've been having a party with you for years now!!! HOT HOT summer nights in Winnipeg (home) with Jo, the camero, the pal and even HOTTER men.... a bottle of gin, shots of tequila.. oh jesus, I'm smiling as I write this and the memories flood my head. Life was perfection at its best. Anything in the world could have been happening but when this time of night and this song came around, NOTHING mattered... nothing. Shuffle.
hmmm interesting.
"Me & You"
My first club experience in Australia. White tank top, dark skinny jeans, 5 inch stilletoes... the heat. A bottle of corona in hand. I got lost in the music, forgetting EVERYTHING. Nothing hurt... nothing missed. Life was just beginning.... not everyone gets the chance to start fresh. And I moved 8000 miles just so I could do that, and for the first time since I arrived... I felt convinced that I could and would do just that.
and my battery dies. Probably a sign that I should quit on a good one. But all songs aside, truly music is a huge key to our soul. The things we have put away or forgotten until the power of song, tied into that lost memory triggers the past and somehow we can go back, and remember everything. Right down to who we're with, what we were wearing and how we felt. Not always good memories, and some people say they don't associate music with people or memories. I flat out call you a liar. You don't get a choice. Music and memories... you have to have at least one. If you don't, you have fucking issues.
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