Tonight I was at home by myself doing some thinking about the events that recently have been taking place in my life and felt the need to write how I feel about it. I also felt the need to share it, not because I think that everyone should look at life this way, but just so that maybe in the mix of your life you can find some way to embrace being human.
Sometimes in life all you want is to close your eyes and feel the burden, pain & heartache just melt away. To feel like you did when the world did not rest on your shoulders. When you had the luxury of worrying about things that are trivial. To know that you had the choice to grow and go in any direction. Unknowing that one day life would catch up with you and pull you down, break your heart and stop you dead in your tracks so you have no choice but to stare your life in the face. You wonder how the hell you made it this far, what was in your heart that fought for the chance to be staring your life in the eyes and to fight for the right to do better?
If you look at life as a series of choices instead of sacrifices, is it possible to live a life without regret? I have heard people say, I am only human... It makes me question ones character. We as humans are capable of so much. To be Only Human is not an excuse but extraordinary reason to feel, to choose and live. I can not change anything about the choices I have made, and as much as I think that I would want to sometimes, my choices have contributed to the creation of who I have become so far. I am reaching for a life without regret, and every so often I stop to stare my life in the eyes and let my heart overpower the pull of life and push me with a will I do not think I can ever understand, to fight to look it in the eyes again.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
To The Men...
A great day should end in blissful amounts of sleep, but instead I'm sitting at my computer after rolling around in bed for an hour unable to sleep... I started to clean out my hard drive, going through pictures and documents that I no longer need or want, only to haunt myself with memories and ended up feeling in a soft romantic mood, so I decided to switch on one my favourite playlists, which consists of Michael buble, john hiatt, and oddly enough limp bizkit. HA! Bet you didn't see that one coming! But the playlist takes me back to some of my favourite romantic moments. Now of course some of you who are scratching your head wondering how the fuck limp bizkit could ever take anyone back to a romantic moment... well I'll tell you, but without names but its one of my top 5.
I had gone out to a social with a friend and some of his guy friends. It was a super hot summer night (of course...lol) I was 18. Yep. 18. And I remember it like it was yesterday. He had bought a new car that was standard and was just learning to drive it (not relevant to the story at all but I can see it playing out in my head) after the social, we were all out at someones house, cars everywhere, he had left it behind cause we were drinking a bit. ok.... maybe ALOT. 3 am came around and the song Rollin' by limp bizkit came on. Of course it was all the rage at the time, so the volume was turned up high enough to piss off any neighbor within a mile radius, and he got right into it, I remember sitting on the hood of the car laughing at him for being drunk and retarded when he just stopped, came right up to me, put his hands on the sides of face and into my hair, and told me I was simply the most spectacular thing he had ever seen and kissed me so deeply it went straight to my heart. All with limp bizkit in the background. And til this day everytime I hear it I think of him and that moment. Right down to the grey pants and white tshirt he was wearing. I can smell the hugo boss on his skin and taste the beer on his mouth.
So tonight I am going to "waste" a wish. I wish that everyone can experience that kind of passion sometime in their life. Something that is so utterly breath taking, you could never forget it. I'm going to fall in love with my past all over again tonight, if only for the length of a 18 song playlist. I'm going to forget that I have responsibilities and just be in the moment all over again.
Oddly enough while having my breath taken away over and over again, none of my ex's are in there.... why is it when we think back to the magic of those breath taking moments, it rarely includes those we chose to date? Was it the series of moments that lead us to who we are with now? Is it when we finally find the person who can take our breath away while dating is the one we choose to spend our lives with? I've always heard two theories or ideas; Timing is everything. And life is not measured by the breaths that we take, but the moments that take our breath away. So if those two cliche statements just happen to be true, why doesn't anyone ever warn us that they have to work together? My friend took my breath away, but the timing was wrong. And with those who had the timing, lacked the moments. I think that we get so few of these moments in our lives that eventually we just conclude that we aren't going to get anymore and settle for timing without the magic just to get that slap in the face that it can still happen. Or on the other end of the spectrum, we wait for that perfect breath taking moment, searching for it so desperately that the rest just passes us by. Is it even possible to balance somewhere in the middle?
Moments that take our breath away are just that. Moments. After its over, it's over. Moment passed. Now what are the chances that it could turn into a lifetime of moments like that one? Slim. But what if you're with someone who is fantastic and the timing is perfect, but still no breath taking moment that shocks you to your soul? Take the timing! Take the timing with complete satisfaction of having those past moments stamped into your heart and soul, to enjoy whenever you want without living a life in waiting.
My song switched... and I'm in a different place with a different person. A smile on my face cause this one is completely different than the last, but just as good. God, I love music... and the men of my past who gave me these memories to enjoy forever, and the man of my present who will give me many more. I don't usually do soft, romantic postings so enjoy this one for what it's worth. And maybe you should turn some of your tunes on that take you back to a place you haven't been to in a while, it'll make you smile for hours..... ;)
I had gone out to a social with a friend and some of his guy friends. It was a super hot summer night (of course...lol) I was 18. Yep. 18. And I remember it like it was yesterday. He had bought a new car that was standard and was just learning to drive it (not relevant to the story at all but I can see it playing out in my head) after the social, we were all out at someones house, cars everywhere, he had left it behind cause we were drinking a bit. ok.... maybe ALOT. 3 am came around and the song Rollin' by limp bizkit came on. Of course it was all the rage at the time, so the volume was turned up high enough to piss off any neighbor within a mile radius, and he got right into it, I remember sitting on the hood of the car laughing at him for being drunk and retarded when he just stopped, came right up to me, put his hands on the sides of face and into my hair, and told me I was simply the most spectacular thing he had ever seen and kissed me so deeply it went straight to my heart. All with limp bizkit in the background. And til this day everytime I hear it I think of him and that moment. Right down to the grey pants and white tshirt he was wearing. I can smell the hugo boss on his skin and taste the beer on his mouth.
So tonight I am going to "waste" a wish. I wish that everyone can experience that kind of passion sometime in their life. Something that is so utterly breath taking, you could never forget it. I'm going to fall in love with my past all over again tonight, if only for the length of a 18 song playlist. I'm going to forget that I have responsibilities and just be in the moment all over again.
Oddly enough while having my breath taken away over and over again, none of my ex's are in there.... why is it when we think back to the magic of those breath taking moments, it rarely includes those we chose to date? Was it the series of moments that lead us to who we are with now? Is it when we finally find the person who can take our breath away while dating is the one we choose to spend our lives with? I've always heard two theories or ideas; Timing is everything. And life is not measured by the breaths that we take, but the moments that take our breath away. So if those two cliche statements just happen to be true, why doesn't anyone ever warn us that they have to work together? My friend took my breath away, but the timing was wrong. And with those who had the timing, lacked the moments. I think that we get so few of these moments in our lives that eventually we just conclude that we aren't going to get anymore and settle for timing without the magic just to get that slap in the face that it can still happen. Or on the other end of the spectrum, we wait for that perfect breath taking moment, searching for it so desperately that the rest just passes us by. Is it even possible to balance somewhere in the middle?
Moments that take our breath away are just that. Moments. After its over, it's over. Moment passed. Now what are the chances that it could turn into a lifetime of moments like that one? Slim. But what if you're with someone who is fantastic and the timing is perfect, but still no breath taking moment that shocks you to your soul? Take the timing! Take the timing with complete satisfaction of having those past moments stamped into your heart and soul, to enjoy whenever you want without living a life in waiting.
My song switched... and I'm in a different place with a different person. A smile on my face cause this one is completely different than the last, but just as good. God, I love music... and the men of my past who gave me these memories to enjoy forever, and the man of my present who will give me many more. I don't usually do soft, romantic postings so enjoy this one for what it's worth. And maybe you should turn some of your tunes on that take you back to a place you haven't been to in a while, it'll make you smile for hours..... ;)
Monday, October 19, 2009
To waste a wish....
I want to blow off any steam I may have left from my exhausting day before I go for a job interview tomorrow! So I've turned on some easy listening (aka blues and some soft piano pieces)
Its been a week since I asked an important question to alot of people I know. And the first two words of almost everyone's answer,( and which I might add in here, there were NOT ALOT of answers. SO disappointed) was "I wish...."
Now someone I know used to say "I wish...." and then retract with "no wait, I wouldn't waste a wish on that." So with those words dancing around in my head and the answers I got to my question leads me to wonder, what is worth "wasting" a wish on? And how many wishes do we actually get, if any?
Is wishing our way of saying "I want to" or "I would have" but I was just too lazy, didn't have the drive... etc? Why do we wait to say "I wish..." instead of doing what we want, when we want? I understand that not all things are so simple, but isn't this where we would get to use the "I wish" card? For the things we truly can't do anything about? We can't change the past, but if in the moment you can pull your shit together enough to say " I know I'll regret it if I don't do this" why, why, WHY are we not doing it? When it comes to the present, why are we saying "I wish I could?" Where has the drive to be better, do better, to WANT more gone? To say the things we SHOULD say cause we might not get a second chance? To do the things we NEED to do cause we CAN? Instead of sitting on our asses playing the I wish card and living life with regret? I just dont get it.
Maybe its time we all made a list of the wishes we have and ask ourselves what we're "wasting" our wishes on. What things we could do, or say and just don't? How many of those wishes will turn into regret? Because those are the ones that really matter. We all have our reasons for making a wish instead of doing something, but I guess the question is; is the reason GOOD enough to live the rest of your life knowing you coulda, shoulda, woulda?
Its been a week since I asked an important question to alot of people I know. And the first two words of almost everyone's answer,( and which I might add in here, there were NOT ALOT of answers. SO disappointed) was "I wish...."
Now someone I know used to say "I wish...." and then retract with "no wait, I wouldn't waste a wish on that." So with those words dancing around in my head and the answers I got to my question leads me to wonder, what is worth "wasting" a wish on? And how many wishes do we actually get, if any?
Is wishing our way of saying "I want to" or "I would have" but I was just too lazy, didn't have the drive... etc? Why do we wait to say "I wish..." instead of doing what we want, when we want? I understand that not all things are so simple, but isn't this where we would get to use the "I wish" card? For the things we truly can't do anything about? We can't change the past, but if in the moment you can pull your shit together enough to say " I know I'll regret it if I don't do this" why, why, WHY are we not doing it? When it comes to the present, why are we saying "I wish I could?" Where has the drive to be better, do better, to WANT more gone? To say the things we SHOULD say cause we might not get a second chance? To do the things we NEED to do cause we CAN? Instead of sitting on our asses playing the I wish card and living life with regret? I just dont get it.
Maybe its time we all made a list of the wishes we have and ask ourselves what we're "wasting" our wishes on. What things we could do, or say and just don't? How many of those wishes will turn into regret? Because those are the ones that really matter. We all have our reasons for making a wish instead of doing something, but I guess the question is; is the reason GOOD enough to live the rest of your life knowing you coulda, shoulda, woulda?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Secrets & Shame
I'm posting before bed tonight, hoping that maybe I'll clear my head enough to fall asleep quickly and deeply.... I have the headphones in and I'm in deep tonight... hoping that somehow I can find a way to escape myself.
I was talking to a friend, who told me that they wish they could tell me their deepest secret... Now of course it makes me wonder what could be so private, that they WISH they could tell me, but don't. What causes us to keep secrets? And why can't we keep them when we should? When I really think about it, I only have one secret. And its not really a secret per se, its just something I keep to myself cause it doesn't really matter, but too precious to share. I find that secrets eat away at us. The ones that we can keep are the ones that have some shame behind them. Something about it makes us feel ashamed. Happy secrets are never really secrets for long.
Is it easy to tell someone else's secret because we are not the bearer of the shame that comes with it? I learned throughout my life that what I really needed in a friend is someone who did not judge. Not easy to come by. And I must say that when you have people like this in your life its like you have removed the weight of the world off your shoulders.... Just KNOWING that they don't judge brings you that deep inner sense of calm and somehow things that at times bring us shame no longer burden us as heavily.
So is our shame brought on by the opinion of others or our opinion of ourselves? And if even in our own opinion we should not be ashamed, do we keep secrets so that others cannot attempt to shame us? Which of course turns into the burden of keeping a secret that we so desperately want to share but won't.
Another friend of mine told me once that lying by omission is still lying. Is this yet another way to add to our burden of shame? We cannot tell the truth because we would be shamed, even when we feel it should be nothing to be ashamed of, so we keep it a secret and then feel ashamed for keeping a secret in the first place because we are now "hiding" the information that we were forced to keep secret in the first place because of the fear of being shamed by others. What an endless circle of torture. It makes me so angry.
I gave up caring if others think I should feel ashamed or not. I am the ONLY person to live with the consequences of my actions. We have enough burdens in life to worry about, without the petty thoughts of people who can't see past their own narrow mindedness. It was letting go of the people who I thought mattered, with their opinions that didn't, that I truly found a way to feel free of the burden of shame and enjoy the fact that I have friends who say "I do/don't agree, but if that's what makes you happy, then I'm behind you 100%" and KNOW that they mean it without question, has rid me of my own thoughts that could cause this burden upon others.
So if you are keeping something deep in your heart cause you're afraid, then I say, in a manner that is far from articulate or orthodox - FUCK EM. Don't burden your soul because people have an opinion different than your own. And if you are ashamed because of your own beliefs then I hope you find a way to lessen your burden and move on. Life is too short to torture yourself.
I was talking to a friend, who told me that they wish they could tell me their deepest secret... Now of course it makes me wonder what could be so private, that they WISH they could tell me, but don't. What causes us to keep secrets? And why can't we keep them when we should? When I really think about it, I only have one secret. And its not really a secret per se, its just something I keep to myself cause it doesn't really matter, but too precious to share. I find that secrets eat away at us. The ones that we can keep are the ones that have some shame behind them. Something about it makes us feel ashamed. Happy secrets are never really secrets for long.
Is it easy to tell someone else's secret because we are not the bearer of the shame that comes with it? I learned throughout my life that what I really needed in a friend is someone who did not judge. Not easy to come by. And I must say that when you have people like this in your life its like you have removed the weight of the world off your shoulders.... Just KNOWING that they don't judge brings you that deep inner sense of calm and somehow things that at times bring us shame no longer burden us as heavily.
So is our shame brought on by the opinion of others or our opinion of ourselves? And if even in our own opinion we should not be ashamed, do we keep secrets so that others cannot attempt to shame us? Which of course turns into the burden of keeping a secret that we so desperately want to share but won't.
Another friend of mine told me once that lying by omission is still lying. Is this yet another way to add to our burden of shame? We cannot tell the truth because we would be shamed, even when we feel it should be nothing to be ashamed of, so we keep it a secret and then feel ashamed for keeping a secret in the first place because we are now "hiding" the information that we were forced to keep secret in the first place because of the fear of being shamed by others. What an endless circle of torture. It makes me so angry.
I gave up caring if others think I should feel ashamed or not. I am the ONLY person to live with the consequences of my actions. We have enough burdens in life to worry about, without the petty thoughts of people who can't see past their own narrow mindedness. It was letting go of the people who I thought mattered, with their opinions that didn't, that I truly found a way to feel free of the burden of shame and enjoy the fact that I have friends who say "I do/don't agree, but if that's what makes you happy, then I'm behind you 100%" and KNOW that they mean it without question, has rid me of my own thoughts that could cause this burden upon others.
So if you are keeping something deep in your heart cause you're afraid, then I say, in a manner that is far from articulate or orthodox - FUCK EM. Don't burden your soul because people have an opinion different than your own. And if you are ashamed because of your own beliefs then I hope you find a way to lessen your burden and move on. Life is too short to torture yourself.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Whisper in whose ear???
Its been a while since my last post.... mainly cause I've been getting some sleep, today however I missed my window to go to bed when I was actually tired, so here I am.
I bought a house today. Signed and everything. And I'm sitting here reflecting on my past 10 years and wondering where the time went.... 10 years ago I was 16 and anxiously counting down the days til my 17Th birthday. Funny how great it was to get older. Do you remember when you were 16? When cute boys (or girls) going out past curfew and groaning over school starting for another year were all you had to worry about? When the smallest things seemed like the end of the world and now they are all fond memories, a right of passage we all go through? And now at 26 I hear myself saying the words my parents used to say to me (and end up rolling my eyes at myself) to my younger sister who is almost 15. I find myself wishing I could go back with everything I know now and do it all over again and just laugh the entire way through it. But I can't help but wonder when the switch flipped.... when I went from needing the advice more than I give it? So I've decided that people DO CHANGE.
The flip of the switch I think is when you get that chance, to find a defining moment; Where you get to decide exactly how you feel without the influence of others.
I moved to Australia when I was 24. I had my going away party and birthday party in the same night. One week later I was on a plane by myself, and I didn't have one god damn second of fear. For the first time in my life I felt FREE. Liberated. I was going somewhere where I could be anyone, do anything, cause there was NO ONE there to judge me or whisper their thoughts in my ear. It was only then that I truly realised how much an influence even the smallest whisper can have. That even a perfect stranger can throw a shred of doubt into you or convince you to sell your soul. So I have to wonder if its really our deepest inner thought that is so subtle we don't even consider it, until that whisper in your ear confirms your every hearts desire, and you didn't even know you desired it in the first place. what happens when we have to search within ourselves to find the answers instead of searching within the voices we trust most, to point out the options we never considered? When we truly begin to trust ourselves with our own advice, is that when we advise with conviction?
The whisper that unveiled my desire to get the fuck out of Winnipeg was Lindsay. A friend I met randomly (I've never met ANYONE this randomly) all it took was one sentence " So go to Australia Jen. Just do it" That's it. Everyone else told me to wait. Save more money, go with friends. But it didn't matter. That one simple sentence had me so convinced that 2 months later I was gone. Where there's a will, there's a way. After that moment I never needed another whisper to convince me to do anything. They would still come, but to my surprise, I'd already thought of what they were whispering about. She had simply said the one thing that unlocked my heart and all it desired.
So maybe when we remove self-doubt, and know in our hearts that we no longer need the thoughts from others to convince us to do the things we already know we should, is when we go from being on the receiving end of a whisper to the ones doing the whispering. Perhaps this why some people cannot give advice... maybe they just never got to have that moment to decide completely on their own. So instead of censoring your advice (and granted you should still choose to word it wisely) let it out. What if your simple whisper changed someone else's heart. What if you said the one thing that no one else was willing to say?
I bought a house today. Signed and everything. And I'm sitting here reflecting on my past 10 years and wondering where the time went.... 10 years ago I was 16 and anxiously counting down the days til my 17Th birthday. Funny how great it was to get older. Do you remember when you were 16? When cute boys (or girls) going out past curfew and groaning over school starting for another year were all you had to worry about? When the smallest things seemed like the end of the world and now they are all fond memories, a right of passage we all go through? And now at 26 I hear myself saying the words my parents used to say to me (and end up rolling my eyes at myself) to my younger sister who is almost 15. I find myself wishing I could go back with everything I know now and do it all over again and just laugh the entire way through it. But I can't help but wonder when the switch flipped.... when I went from needing the advice more than I give it? So I've decided that people DO CHANGE.
The flip of the switch I think is when you get that chance, to find a defining moment; Where you get to decide exactly how you feel without the influence of others.
I moved to Australia when I was 24. I had my going away party and birthday party in the same night. One week later I was on a plane by myself, and I didn't have one god damn second of fear. For the first time in my life I felt FREE. Liberated. I was going somewhere where I could be anyone, do anything, cause there was NO ONE there to judge me or whisper their thoughts in my ear. It was only then that I truly realised how much an influence even the smallest whisper can have. That even a perfect stranger can throw a shred of doubt into you or convince you to sell your soul. So I have to wonder if its really our deepest inner thought that is so subtle we don't even consider it, until that whisper in your ear confirms your every hearts desire, and you didn't even know you desired it in the first place. what happens when we have to search within ourselves to find the answers instead of searching within the voices we trust most, to point out the options we never considered? When we truly begin to trust ourselves with our own advice, is that when we advise with conviction?
The whisper that unveiled my desire to get the fuck out of Winnipeg was Lindsay. A friend I met randomly (I've never met ANYONE this randomly) all it took was one sentence " So go to Australia Jen. Just do it" That's it. Everyone else told me to wait. Save more money, go with friends. But it didn't matter. That one simple sentence had me so convinced that 2 months later I was gone. Where there's a will, there's a way. After that moment I never needed another whisper to convince me to do anything. They would still come, but to my surprise, I'd already thought of what they were whispering about. She had simply said the one thing that unlocked my heart and all it desired.
So maybe when we remove self-doubt, and know in our hearts that we no longer need the thoughts from others to convince us to do the things we already know we should, is when we go from being on the receiving end of a whisper to the ones doing the whispering. Perhaps this why some people cannot give advice... maybe they just never got to have that moment to decide completely on their own. So instead of censoring your advice (and granted you should still choose to word it wisely) let it out. What if your simple whisper changed someone else's heart. What if you said the one thing that no one else was willing to say?
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