The pity party people

I've been writing in my head for weeks now... a never ending buzz of emotions and thoughts, oddly enough none provoked by music... but more so the things I see and read, or the people who are in my life but not by my own choice, I guess in some inadvertent way it is my choice... but really that's just a matter of semantics.

Two things that originally were swirling around in my head was veterans week and this article in Cosmo about the so called "dog whistle" woman which had very black and white responses. Now considering that these two are both VERY different topics to touch but somehow can both be in the same blog should be interesting. Which brings me to today.

In one of my past postings I posted a picture of a tattoo on my foot with a ribbon that shows my eternal love and support to a friend in the military and another who died of cancer. One of the two is home safe and buying her first home... and it fills my heart with so much joy and love. However, painful reminders of those we've loved and lost are around every corner. They creep up on you in places you'd never think they would and kick you in the ass in such a way that when you look in the mirror you can recognize your own pain.

But what happens when one of those people who are in your life, but only because of affiliation and don't know shit about you and have the nerve to judge YOUR emotion based on their own insecurities?! Individuals who have no loyalty or self confidence decide that your emotion is less valuable than theirs because you are what they want to be but never will be?? I, according to this article in Cosmo, fall into the "dog whistle" category, well... to some extent anyway. A confident, attractive woman, who relates to men on a man's level and pisses off their girlfriends unintentionally with my "flirting"...I can sit on a man's lap without having the urge to sleep with him, but everyone else who wants to have that kind of ability but doesn't; thinks you do. Women have always either liked me, or they don't. And, to what I've been able to discover about the women who don't; they are typically the insecure, disloyal, attention seeking women who need a man to validate who they are as women. They allow men to dictate the happiness in their lives and sometimes even make major decisions that later in life they've come to regret. ALL of that to please ANOTHER person of the opposite sex because you don't know how to be happy by yourself AND then have the fucking audacity to judge ME? FUCK YOU.

Here's something to know about me. I am a confident, attractive woman. I have ambition and drive. I'm intelligent and well spoken. I can sit on a man's lap and not need to have sex with him or even want to. I can laugh at myself. I learn from my mistakes, I take responsibility for my actions and my choices. I am LOYAL and for those who are close to me, have an unconditional, non-judgmental LOVE. And when one of those people die, and rips my heart out from my chest, WHO the fuck are YOU to say that my emotion is selfish?

You can decide not to like me. But don't dislike me because I'm all the things that you are not. YOUR insecurities are not for me to cater to. Its NOT my problem if your pity party for yourself is the only way to get any kind of attention. STOP blaming others for your choices.We, as adults, have the ability to make choices and decisions all on our own. We do NOT have to take into consideration anyone else's opinions. If you want to be the kind of person that people, not just men, pay attention to, then have something about you from the inside that's WORTH paying attention to. Your dislike for me and the kind of woman I am, and stand for; is not going to further you in your life. Its not going to make people like you any more, unless of course they are of the same nature. I'm not the reason why women like you don't get the men you want, the jobs you strive for, the friends you desire. YOU ARE.

So please, take your bullshit somewhere else. To others of your kind cause your shit isn't welcome here anymore. Out of loyalty I tolerated you, but now out of self respect, I now will no longer tolerate your selfishness or your judgment. I am confident enough to not need you to like me, maybe you'll get there yourself one day. But I will not be your punching bag until you do.

Yours forever??

For better, for worse, in sickness and health....

what's better? what's worse? How does anyone promise forever? Change is inevitable and yet we base our future lives on the present. false promises used as wedding vows, how can anyone say that they'll love the someone no matter who they turn into in the future? Can you promise to love a man who starts to beat you? your children? NO? not so much right? but that's an exception??? we stand before god ( well some of us do) and in so many words promise exactly that... And somehow this is considered sacred. Vows to be taken seriously and not to be broken. But who gets to decide what the exceptions are? Is there a master list that tells you when its ok to go back on your word? OH wait!! That God we speak of, promise our lives in front of, is the one who also granted us (apparently granted us) FREE WILL. So when we break our oh so sacred vows, is that not us exercising our god given right of free will? SO which is it? Did someone along the way manipulate what vows are and aren't meant to be, so that they should be taken more seriously and deter us from being allowed to have the right to free will?

However, I do believe in love. I believe that you CAN love different versions of the same person for eternity, but the as the person changes, so does the love. Just sometimes, we don't recognize whats happening, or we don't care. Sometimes we know, and then such phrases are created like 'I love you, but I'm not IN love with you'
Which simply means, you aren't the same person, and the person I was in love with was a person who I felt romance and passionate love for, now my love has changed, and the romance and passion didn't come along with it. Heartbreaking, but honest.

I also believe that love is powerful. That it is the single most powerful thing any person can have. As it controls everything. For where would we be if the there was no love in the world? Think about it, not just romantic love, but the love of money, the love of our careers, our friends, our family, our hobbies, our children, our partners... we would be empty. robots. designed to preform instead of feel, designed to create without passion and love, and even then, how can one create without passion?

So I figure, write your own vows, don't make promises you can't keep, but if you are going to make a promise, promise to do the best that you can. And if you still can't make it last forever, don't feel ashamed. All anyone ever wants is to know that you did your best.

The emotional boxing Ring.....

A new friend and I recently spent hours in front of his TV pretending to watch movies while bantering about exes, kids, life and work. When we started to talk about partners and what it is that we truly want... and some amusing but interesting things came up...

someone who sees the pointlessness, But still keeps their purpose in mind
someone who has a tortured soul, Some of the time
somebody who will either put out for me, Or put me out of my misery
Someone who can flatten me with a kiss that hits like a fist
Or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall
you hear me talking, but listen to what I'm not saying
Read my writing and understand what's between the lines
someone who can make me scream till it's funny
Someone who gives me a run for my money
someone who can twist me up in knots
someone who's not afraid of me, or anyone else
In other words, someone who's not afraid of themselves
Tell me, for someone who has everything, what have you got?

I guess I don't have everything if I don't have you.... right?
Ever met a person who makes you feel like you've met your match? Maybe? Just Maybe....? Friend or otherwise is not comforting to know that there is at least ONE person who you can go head to head with you and you both come out bruised and its still a tie? The problem with most others is, after a few rounds, they can't keep up anymore... After all my shit, I've got steel gloves on. I'm not talking about an emotional battle in a negative sense... but more so, please, for the love of fucking god....challenge me.

Ms MIA....

I know it's be forever since my last post... but somehow, I was suffering from a form of writers block. I would have all these thoughts and reflections and million different things going on to draw from but I would just sit here and stare at the blank page waiting for me to come up with something clever or heartfelt, and I couldn't do either... a bit scary considering who I am... I've also embraced prescribed sleeping pills. Hence late night blogging comes to a bit of an end, until of course I forget them somewhere and its so damn hot out you can't sleep, and well... here I am.

90% of all illnesses are stress related. Stress is also considered an illness... did you know? lol. Our mental health, which we all take for granted; can make us strong, it can also make us weak. It can turn us into a version of ourselves we no longer recognize. When shit hits the fan, those around us usually choose one of two routes to console us:

1- "Shit happens. That's life. Deal with it and move on"
2- "oh honey... that's AWFUL. I WISH there was something I could do.....etc, etc, etc"

Clearly, #2 is far from my preferred method. But, I choose to believe that I practice what I preach, so when I often revert to #1 for others, I choose to also tell myself the same. What happens when life falls somewhere between the two and your preferred method doesn't work, and the second is the worst fucking reaction you could want? How do you dig yourself out of your insanity? Find a place inside yourself to pull your shit together JUST long enough, to figure it out? I'm not gonna lie... I couldn't do it. For the first time in a long time, I just couldn't get there long enough. It took a major fuck up at work to make me realise that my mental health was definitely in jeopardy. So I decided that if there was ONE thing worth investing in, it was myself. Which honestly, I don't know why so many of us are willing to spend money on anything and EVERYTHING, except the one thing that keeps us going day in and day out. When did everything else become more worthwhile? That your heart and mind aren't an investment you consider?

Not me. Not this time. I have a son who deserves a mum who can keep her shit together, and if she can't, then she can ask someone to help her figure it out.

My shrink looked me in the eye and said "Frankly, you have ALOT of shit on your plate. No wonder you're sitting across from me. But on the other hand, you're a little more than half my age, and you make me feel like I need to go out and do something because you've done so much in your life"

The acknowledgement alone that I had alot going on changed how I felt. To have someone acknowledge your heartache, and not follow with comment that devalues it, was refreshing. It also made me reconsider my own harsh reactions. Granted on occasion they're needed, but sometimes, we just want to be acknowledged. It didn't come with those condescending, sympathetic eyes and a rub on the back, or a blatant dismissal after. And you know what pissed me off about it? It was so fucking simple. It changed my communication with those around me. I actually now say, "I don't want a reaction. All I want is an acknowledgement"

It made me consider how much we all take ourselves for granted. That we get upset with others who don't hear us when we are upset, pissed off, sad or otherwise... but more so, how often do we not hear OURSELVES? When something inside us goes 'shit, I can't do this' and we tell ourselves to shut the fuck up and figure it out? How long can you be figuring it all out by yourself before you're allowed to say that you can't anymore? How long do we abuse ourselves before its OK to say that we don't want to anymore?

In the end, I'm still always going to tell it like it is, fight for what I want and believe in.... But I might listen a little better to myself. I hope to hell everyone I know can sit back for a minute after this blog, and think about it and themselves... and if it turns out you need an acknowledgement...I'm around. Find me.

Seeing you...

Crash into me.... Dave Matthews band... I swear your timing couldn't be better

When was the last time you fell in love? When was the last time you looked at someone and felt your heart skip a beat and could feel everything inside of you ready to burst? Sometimes we forget, sometimes we get lost of the shuffle of life, and we forget to look at what is right in front of us. That somehow we missed it... until it crashes right into you, and you remember- THIS is what it's all about...YOU are what I've always wanted...

Remember what it was like to indulge in a person? In something real? Something that reminds you that there is something bigger than you out there?

To close your eyes, and see their face is never enough until you have them close. And they're never close enough. The sweet smell of their skin intoxicates you and takes you back to the first time they embraced you...And You would go to every end of the earth to feel their touch. The sound of their voice is your lullaby, their mouth your favourite playground. To look into their eyes and have all doubt disappear.

Remember?

Isn't it sad that every other part of life has the power to let it escape us, make us blind? We spend our whole lives searching... waiting... just waiting, and then one day we turn around to see that face, those eyes, and it slaps you in the face so hard it makes us stop dead in our tracks and say... nothing. There are no words, and any words we find, make us angry cause the phrase "I love you" just doesn't even come close to what you feel...

Take a look at the people in your life... look past the hardships, look past the bullshit of life, look past the obstacles.. and remember... be reminded of what its like to indulge in a person...Be sorry if you didn't see them for so long... They are the part of your heart you've been searching for...and don't promise that you won't forget sometimes, but you can promise that somehow, because they are so amazing, that you'll always be reminded.

Can you sleep at night?

An Irish Lullaby....

Not a song I listen to often, but some reason it sticks with me tonight while I contemplate all the bullshit in life. All the logical and illogical crap that gets thrown in our direction on day to day basis, and our inner self justifying the whys or why not's.

In the past I've written about how the matters of the heart are the issues of our heads. The way we, as human beings logic our way through anything, or when we actually CAN'T find logic in something, it has a fucking textbook title?! Welcome to:

Cognitive dissonance. An uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. Dissonance occurs when a person perceives a logical inconsistency in their beliefs, when one idea implies the opposite of another. The dissonance might be experienced as guilt, anger, frustration, or even embarrassment. A powerful cause of dissonance is an idea in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a good person" or "I made the right decision". The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. (Thank you wikipedia)

But its not just bad decisions is it? Its EVERYTHING we do. The HORRIBLE question; why? Has fucked with us. When was the last time you answered with; why not?
Even to yourself? Nevermind anyone else who asks!!

As human beings, is it even possible to make a decision without rationalization? When we make "rash" decisions, is this just our way of doing what our gut tells us to do, or is it our rationalization that saves us from making stupid mistakes.... or worse, making the right ones? Can you even remember the last time you did something without thinking about it? And if you did, were you able to do it without justifying it after? Our peace of mind, our sanity, is created by our belief and faith in what we do, and who we are. Is it our rationalization that saves us from ourselves?

Everyday of our lives we convince ourselves that what we are doing is right. Then once we do that, we can convince others. And as long as everyone is convinced, we can sleep at night. Look ourselves in the mirror every morning. Rationalization comes into play with EVERYTHING we do. Some call it fate. Others call it luck. Whatever, call it what you will...

It brings me back to the basics of; YOU are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, YOU are the one who will lose the sleep at night if you don't have a sound mind. Does it matter if no one else can stand the sight of you? Maybe... but... in the end, its all on you. To me, your logic might be illogical, but what the hell do I know? I won't be the one losing sleep over it... so hey, whatever helps YOU sleep at night....right?

I guess the real problem with that is, what happens when we shouldn't be able to sleep at night.... but we do. Then what?

To agree or disagree....

"The earth belongs to the living" (Thomas Jefferson).

We belong together...
or so tonight's lyrics say...

Anyone know the textbook definition of "belong"?

a. To be proper, appropriate, or suitable
b. To be in an appropriate situation or environment
c. To have in one's possession
d. To be a part of something else

When we think about our lives... what it revolves around, how we make our distinctions of what we want and who we are... does the word above and its definition to apply to EVERY situation we can think of? Even, and in most cases ESPECIALLY when it comes to love. Ah yes, the magic word that tortures us through out our lives. Regardless of the type of love.... Love from a partner (or lack there of), love from or of our family (or lack there of), love from friends (which is the one that is most often the unconditional one, despite the traditional thought that it comes from our family!) love for our careers, and most importantly, Love for ourselves.

Its strange how the two are so strongly intertwined. Sadly, don't most of us affiliate our love for ourselves with some sort "belonging"? That when we finally fall into either definition A, B or D, it strengthens or even creates the self love we should all have already? Now, I left out definition C... and if I need to explain why, you should not be reading this blog. But to educate some of you, its because, you can have all sorts of "belongings" and it will not affect your self love. The opening line said by Thomas Jefferson is an exact example. The WORLD belongs to YOU. Yes, YOU. And yet, we need the love of others to create our sense of self worth. When we already have the world in our possession. The entire. fucking.WORLD. Doesn't it make you sad that the earth belongs to us, and yet we need the sense of "belonging" to define or justify our self love?!

To love and be loved, should not be what creates or strengthens self worth and love. But should be merely an agreement. An agreement that you love who you are... and so do they. And its ok if they change their mind, but you won't change yours. If other disagreements in your life don't change who you are, why should that one?

To love and to lust...

So I'm the furthest thing from a country music fan, but here I am listening to remember when...


A friend recently told me how she has a serious lack of desire for her husband. Not because he isn't a good man, but somewhere along the way it got lost... So I started think about marriage, divorce, love and lust.

We spend our lives searching. Searching for someone to spend our lives, have our children and grow old with... many of us have heard about how marriage changes things. Is it true we have to sacrifice the lust for the eternal love? Based on the idea of - you can't have your cake and eat it too? Like honestly.. what the fuck is the point of having the cake if you can't eat it? Is it just to remind you that its there, tempting you, reminding you that its something you can't have?

Is that what drives us to keep looking? That magical thing we often hear referred to as soul mates. People who connect so deeply, that they never feel a lack of anything in their relationship. The inconceivable notion that there is one perfect person out there for everyone is just.... its just... hopeful. If we all didn't believe in it just a little, then it means that we would agree that you can't have it all.

I believe we make a choice. We make the choice to believe that we CAN have it all. That we don't have to settle. But you have to have balls. It takes BIG balls to admit that you want more... and even more to believe that its out there, and you aren't afraid to keep looking for it. I won't promise that it'll be easy, but I can promise the risk is worth the reward. Don't have the balls? Go out and buy some... they make everything in sex stores now-a-days. Fool yourself for a while and see where you go.

Incase you forgot.... I know I did.

Rearranged... yep, a bit old school tonight... helps me remember.

Remember who you were when the people in your life didn't affect what you said or what you did? They didn't force you to censor who you are because that's what they think is best?

FUCK THAT. I'M DONE. No more censorship.

This is not going to be one of my normal reflective blogs. This is a statement of who I am... which I seem to be forgetting lately. And I"m so done with it. ALL of it.

I've been through some shit in my life. And everytime I come out of that shit storm, I'm a better person for it. I'm HUMAN. I make mistakes, I fuck up, I fuck up big, I fuck up small. But no one out there is any better. For SO long, I stopped caring what anyone thought. And as soon as I did, I started doing things that were important to ME. And I was a better person for it. Lately, I've been forgetting... I've been forgetting the lesson's I've learned. I've been forgetting who I am and what I believe in. I let others judgement and opinions matter more than they should have. I've forgotten the standards for being MY friend.

I do not welcome your judgement or your negativity.
I do not want your bullshit or your two-faced lies.
I don't want your double standards or your lack of faith.
I don't want your bad decisions being forced into my life.
I will not tolerate you acting superior.
I don't want your perfection.


It is not for you to judge how I live my life or who I am. I understand that I make mistakes. If you don't, then off you go. There is the fucking door. I don't need your approval. I never have, and I never will. And those who's approval I do need, are the ones I never have to ask for it.

But as for the rest...I'm not afraid of your judgement or your opinions. I will ALWAYS be OK... despite your thoughts. And I will forget you... but I will take your lesson with me... I won't forget who I am anymore. Not for one more god damn minute. I don't put up with shit like this, and I sure as fuck am not going to start now.
Thank you for reminding me who I am... I missed it.

What if?

November Rain.... in April. Never a good thing.

I started thinking about life, and the decisions we make, the chances we take.... what we want most, and how afraid we are to want it. Worried that some cosmic force bigger than we are will come and fuck it all up, just because its what we wanted.

But really, the only force that will fuck it up is us. When it comes to matters of the heart, they're always the issues of our heads. We get lost in the shuffle of which is our heart and which is our head. We convince ourselves that we know the difference until something comes along and proves us so very, very wrong. Are the choices that are made with our heads the ones that lead to regret? The ones that make us turn around and say " I should have followed my gut"? When I came to the fork in the road, I knew I should have turned left, but instead I went right and then lead us to play the "what if" game for eternity?


On the flip side, when we follow our hearts, and get our hearts broken, we find ourselves saying " I should have known better." Ah yes, the eternal torture. To spend our lives wondering if we should have followed our gut or known better...Where would we be? How would it be different? The truth of it? Knowing better? Its not BETTER! We always want to shield ourselves from sadness, pain and broken hearts... but where would we be without it? We'd be saying "I wish I'd followed my gut"

At least if you follow your heart, you can say you tried. You weren't too afraid to take the risk, you may not come out any further ahead, you may not get what you want, you might get hurt. You might get a broken heart... But then again;

You might not.

Til next time.....

For tonight... I want to pretend that you're here...that none of the hard, complicated, or sad in life exists... What if you... What if you could do that for me... just for tonight... just one night, make it all ok?

I can close my eyes and see your face, your smile... reminding me of who you are, and how much you mean to me.


Gains vs losses...

is it even possible to ever stay ahead? Even when it comes to love, family, friends, spouses... they come-they go. They bring something to you, to your heart... touch your soul, and when they leave, there is an impossible measurement of how much they gave your heart vs. how much they took with them. The battles we fight, the friends that we make, the hearts that we break, all part of the never ending circle...An endless amount of deposits and withdrawls, but some deposit more and withdraw less.... And others... Others, make huge deposits and huge withdrawls... and that withdrawl can leave you in a negative balance for a long time...maybe forever, because there is no one else, no one who can even come close. Some equally good... just a different currency.

So we keep going, hoping that one day, we'll feel more balanced. Be at peace with our amazing gain that caused our tremdous loss... cause one would not have been possible without the other.

And I'd rather feel that loss forever than to never have known you at all. I loved you, and I loved who I was with you in my life. A part of my heart is gone with you, but forever will be the love you left behind. Know that you changed me, and I know I changed you... and I'll miss you til I see you again.

Without you, we're down to two...

I have no music tonight, as I sit here and publish photos of my son, her godson, to my facebook page knowing that if she were here, the first thing that would be happening is my phone going off with a text or call telling that she needs one NOW.
Throughout our lives we meet many people, most of which come and go, after making their minor or major difference in our lives. Some become such a huge part of who we are that when they are gone, there is just no way to fill the void. The part of your heart that belonged to them has been taken with them. Our trio is down to two... and I miss you.

Pieces of you...

Silence. No music tonight...

I've been through some things in my life. Things that no person should ever have to go through. And everytime I experience something new, that is more difficult than the last, I think- this is it, it doesnt get any harder than this. And EVERYTIME I'm wrong.

I have 3 bestfriends. I had 4. And I don't know how to recover. I don't know how to not text her when something exciting happens, or when I need to rant and rave about anything and everything. I don't know how to believe I'm in the wrong unless 2 of them gang up on me. (the other two don't count cause they aren't in the country) I'm sure I won't have a problem believing I'm right, but it always helped when she took my side....

I want to be mad that you're gone, but I can't cause I've never seen a battle fought so hard for so long. I don't want to talk about your courage or your strength. I want to talk about everything that made you who you were outside of that battle, and all the courage and strength. I want to talk about you LIFE. And The way that you changed mine and changed who I am. I want to laugh at our memories and all the things that we thought mattered but didn't. I wear the things you gave me hoping that some how they might make me feel better, as stupid as it sounds. I don't want to miss you, I don't want to talk to you and have you not talk back, I don't want to get mad when I spill something on a shirt you bought me, or cant find a ring you gave me, or lost an earring you brought back for me. The material things dont matter, but the sentiment behind every piece does... and those are the only pieces I have now...those... those and the pieces left of my heart that broke.

I believe that time heals, and that one day my heart will mend itself back together, but it will never be the same, it will never again be whole without the piece you took with you. And it may sound sad, but I'd rather have it gone forever because someone who deserved to have it took it with them, then to keep it forever but never have known you. Our mothers always said its better to have loved and to lost than to never have loved at all... and its true, But not about men... but about friends.

of all the lonely

I'm sitting at my computer with my headphones in, staring at the screen and wishing I could pull my thoughts together long enough to have them make sense on the page... They're just so scrambled... it's almost in a circle too. One person relates me to the thought of the one who follows...sometimes, just for a minute or an hour I wish I didn't have to think about anyone. But, they affect me. Your sadness, pain, confusion, guilt, happiness... all of it makes me think of you. All of you. You might not think you are significant, but you are.

How many times in a day do we feel an emotion that we regard as unimportant? That no one would be interested, or we don't want to share it cause its so very personal and no one else could possibly understand? So what if, we were wrong? What if just for a minute we shared anyways... and just for that minute, we feel less lonely? Whether its someone to share in our happiness, soothe our pain, or ease our guilt? Is loneliness a choice? Are we choosing to be alone in our emotional state? And I realize that there are people out there who don't really give a shit about anyone, but, its not like we're any worse off than we were before, right?

Is the choice to be alone the safer one? The idea of sharing our deepest emotions with another person who could possibly not care just so intimidating, that we would rather be alone with whats in our hearts and head? I mean who REALLY wants to share their inner most thoughts just to have them ignored? No one. No one could possibly ever want that.

In my opinion, I'd rather share with someone who I think I can trust, and have it ignored, and find out who they really are. So those of you who share with me, whether its in passing or in a deep conversation, your emotions are not dismissed. They are not ignored. And they matter. I think about you when you aren't around, I wonder how you are and if everything is still as wonderful or miserable as last time we spoke. I care about your heart and mind... and I know that sometimes it helps to have someone, but its not necessarily the right someone, and you feel alone anyways, but I promise, it still matters. YOU still matter.

I'm all in.

Ok, so I have this playlist that sorta gets me into writing mode, and then I hit shuffle and hope I get something that takes me back to a place where I can pull thoughts together enough to have them make sense...

Just breathe by pearl jam came on....and it just made my head spin... like I'd been drinking too much and laid down in bed...a huge flood of emotion and thoughts, not necessarily tied together either.

My thoughts started with the past. How it creeps up on you, how it blasts its way into the present, affects your decisions, changes you, but doesn't have to define you. But what I really think about is; if we choose to live in the moment, do those moments turn into the decisions that affect the bigger picture? Are those the defining moments in our past, the moments that got us to where we are right now? Do they always have to be tied together? I always say to live your life without regrets. But there is NO way of knowing if its regrettable until the very end. Is our lives truly just a roll of the dice? A gamble we take everyday with our decisions and the consequences that come from them?

To live in the moment, throw caution to the wind... does it really lead to a happier life? If you can live, and I mean TRULY live in that moment, and forget everything else, that high, the rush.... no matter how long it lasts, its what you REMEMBER. You don't forget the most exciting moments in your life. Regardless of whether they were intentional or not, the memory will give you rush all over again. So, here's what I think about it, Live in the moment? YES. FUCK YES. WITHOUT QUESTION, DO IT.

If our lives truly are a gamble we take, then go all in. At least in the end, you can say that it was exciting and amazing. Don't let your decisions define you, but create you. And for those of you who don't know the difference, stop reading my blog. I believe that we are always changing and growing. If you let one decision stop that, it has defined you. The things we do, the people we meet, they change us, and we change them. Each and every single one of the people in my life, regardless of how significant, have affected me in some way, and when I tell the stories of my life, they will forever be a part of that... just as long as the story after them hasn't erased my memory :D

Live in the moment... because really, who or what are you holding out for? How do you know that isn't going to be the BEST thing you've ever done?

battle wounds

Feeling Good....

A complete contradiction to how I'm feeling....
Fight. You hear it. See it everywhere. So many reasons for it.

Everyone is fighting, and I'm not talking about the "i hate you kinda fight" but the kind that runs a little deeper, means a little more and hurts. The kind that cuts you for life. The kind that punches its way through your heart and scars your soul. The kinda fight you wish you never have to have. But we do. The fight to happiness....

The fight I'm talking about is the defining fight of who and what we are. The continuing battle of filling the voids we have. Those holes within our lives that are there from the beginning or slowly develop over time. our lives are a circle of family, friends, activities and work. A friend of mine recently told me how he needs to figure out how to fill the big gaping hole in his life, cause the life he's living is no life. Despite the fact he's relatively happy with it, he has a huge void that he doesn't know how to fill. But the thing I don't understand is why that means that the rest of his life is a reflection of that void and is deemed to be not a real life. Is it that our natural way of comparing what we are and what we do to others, is what makes us feel so very inadequate? And then throw in a gaping hole and then our entire life is now entirely not good enough? I'd really like to know where this invisible bar came from. Who set the standard? Cause you hear "society deems...." but the part that cracks me up is, we ALL say it, and we are ALL society! So really all we have to blame is ourselves. We set our own standards. I think we are all jealous fools. We all are jealous of those who SEEM happier than we are, even though, those people who SEEM happier are having the same fight we are. A vicious cycle that comes from fake smiles and a simple lie to save face. Ignorance is bliss? Are you fucking kidding me?

KNOW the people around you. KNOW that they are fighting too. KNOW that they too have voids and gaping holes. Don't let them hide behind the fake, white picket fence. Cause maybe, if we knew that those around us, whose happiness we had on a pedestal, wasn't always what it seemed, we'd be less inclined to feel so very inadequate. Maybe those holes wouldn't seem as big.... but in the end, don't compare. Just stop. Stop looking at someone else's life to be your invisible bar. If you were all alone, ENTIRELY alone.... would you feel the same? Set your standard there. And fight. Fight for what you want, if you know what it is, and fight to find out if you don't. It'll ALWAYS be worth it in the end.

No Pink.

The fray... Never say Never....

I've been thinking about this for days, but somehow a random comment on my blog got me going tonight. I often update my facebook status. Alot of the time its a controversial comment or thought. Now, being the type of person not to really give a shit, I often carefully think about the responses I get and who they're from and why that particular person may have reacted that way.

Our actions, regardless of intent, influence or affect others. I've expressed my dislike for hypocrites, liars, country music singers and most recently the "focus" on a particular disease. And without shame, I will admit that I'm kinda shocked that my protest to country music ruffled more feathers than topics of a more serious manner. And additional shock when I stated (politely) that I WOULD NOT give my focus to breast cancer, and got SUPPORT FOR NOT SUPPORTING. Now, I have been touched by breast cancer, it is in my family. However, at the risk of sounding insensitive and like a hypocrite, I must explain, my BEST FRIEND is suffering from a cancer that has NOTHING to do with her breasts. And it has run so deeply into my soul, that if I'm going to focus on supporting a cause, its going to be the one that saves HER life. As she is a part of me. One of those who would leave a gaping hole if she left. And it rips me to shreds that I would donate EVERY time I walked into a store or someone came to the door, I would buy the water pitcher, the Nick knacks that you see everywhere.... if it could, if it would help to save her life, but I can't. There are none. NONE. Not one. I can't go to superstore and buy a Brita with her ribbon on it. I can't go to La vie en Rose and leave my spare change in a box, or buy the tshirts, candy bars or mugs because THERE ARE NONE. She falls into a 'general' cancer category. Yes, there are pins you can get... can anyone tell me where in a shopping mall you can get one? When I'm out getting myself new underwear, where there is a box with her ribbon on it for me to leave my change in? Where I can show my support to all of those who fall into the 'general' category? She's not general to me. She's not general to her mother, father, brother, sister and godson... Who is MY son. Why is one ribbon more important than the other? Why is one woman's breasts more important than another woman's lungs and brain? And each and every other type of cancer that falls into the "general" category?

I want to say I'm sorry if this offends you, I mean no disrespect, however I'm NOT sorry. I WILL NOT apologize for wanting to show my support to someone who DOES NOT fall into your pink ribbon group. One person's life IS NOT more important than another because of the type of cancer they have. Don't try to argue numbers with me, I don't give a shit if breast cancer has stats that says it should be more important. FIGHT IT ALL. BEAT IT ALL. No sub-class. I bet if you find a cure for one, you find a cure for all.

My friends who are fighting harder battles than I am keep me humble. One is in Afghanistan, the other is fighting another battle at home. To show my support FOR LIFE, not just a one time cash drop, some spare change in a box or a pin on sweater; I will have ribbon for life. To honor them both. To remind ME to be humble. The purple & yellow ribbon will make a PERMANENT home on inside of my ankle.

I love you both. You are part of me. Win or lose, now and forever, you are a part of me.