What if?

November Rain.... in April. Never a good thing.

I started thinking about life, and the decisions we make, the chances we take.... what we want most, and how afraid we are to want it. Worried that some cosmic force bigger than we are will come and fuck it all up, just because its what we wanted.

But really, the only force that will fuck it up is us. When it comes to matters of the heart, they're always the issues of our heads. We get lost in the shuffle of which is our heart and which is our head. We convince ourselves that we know the difference until something comes along and proves us so very, very wrong. Are the choices that are made with our heads the ones that lead to regret? The ones that make us turn around and say " I should have followed my gut"? When I came to the fork in the road, I knew I should have turned left, but instead I went right and then lead us to play the "what if" game for eternity?


On the flip side, when we follow our hearts, and get our hearts broken, we find ourselves saying " I should have known better." Ah yes, the eternal torture. To spend our lives wondering if we should have followed our gut or known better...Where would we be? How would it be different? The truth of it? Knowing better? Its not BETTER! We always want to shield ourselves from sadness, pain and broken hearts... but where would we be without it? We'd be saying "I wish I'd followed my gut"

At least if you follow your heart, you can say you tried. You weren't too afraid to take the risk, you may not come out any further ahead, you may not get what you want, you might get hurt. You might get a broken heart... But then again;

You might not.

Til next time.....

For tonight... I want to pretend that you're here...that none of the hard, complicated, or sad in life exists... What if you... What if you could do that for me... just for tonight... just one night, make it all ok?

I can close my eyes and see your face, your smile... reminding me of who you are, and how much you mean to me.


Gains vs losses...

is it even possible to ever stay ahead? Even when it comes to love, family, friends, spouses... they come-they go. They bring something to you, to your heart... touch your soul, and when they leave, there is an impossible measurement of how much they gave your heart vs. how much they took with them. The battles we fight, the friends that we make, the hearts that we break, all part of the never ending circle...An endless amount of deposits and withdrawls, but some deposit more and withdraw less.... And others... Others, make huge deposits and huge withdrawls... and that withdrawl can leave you in a negative balance for a long time...maybe forever, because there is no one else, no one who can even come close. Some equally good... just a different currency.

So we keep going, hoping that one day, we'll feel more balanced. Be at peace with our amazing gain that caused our tremdous loss... cause one would not have been possible without the other.

And I'd rather feel that loss forever than to never have known you at all. I loved you, and I loved who I was with you in my life. A part of my heart is gone with you, but forever will be the love you left behind. Know that you changed me, and I know I changed you... and I'll miss you til I see you again.

Without you, we're down to two...

I have no music tonight, as I sit here and publish photos of my son, her godson, to my facebook page knowing that if she were here, the first thing that would be happening is my phone going off with a text or call telling that she needs one NOW.
Throughout our lives we meet many people, most of which come and go, after making their minor or major difference in our lives. Some become such a huge part of who we are that when they are gone, there is just no way to fill the void. The part of your heart that belonged to them has been taken with them. Our trio is down to two... and I miss you.

Pieces of you...

Silence. No music tonight...

I've been through some things in my life. Things that no person should ever have to go through. And everytime I experience something new, that is more difficult than the last, I think- this is it, it doesnt get any harder than this. And EVERYTIME I'm wrong.

I have 3 bestfriends. I had 4. And I don't know how to recover. I don't know how to not text her when something exciting happens, or when I need to rant and rave about anything and everything. I don't know how to believe I'm in the wrong unless 2 of them gang up on me. (the other two don't count cause they aren't in the country) I'm sure I won't have a problem believing I'm right, but it always helped when she took my side....

I want to be mad that you're gone, but I can't cause I've never seen a battle fought so hard for so long. I don't want to talk about your courage or your strength. I want to talk about everything that made you who you were outside of that battle, and all the courage and strength. I want to talk about you LIFE. And The way that you changed mine and changed who I am. I want to laugh at our memories and all the things that we thought mattered but didn't. I wear the things you gave me hoping that some how they might make me feel better, as stupid as it sounds. I don't want to miss you, I don't want to talk to you and have you not talk back, I don't want to get mad when I spill something on a shirt you bought me, or cant find a ring you gave me, or lost an earring you brought back for me. The material things dont matter, but the sentiment behind every piece does... and those are the only pieces I have now...those... those and the pieces left of my heart that broke.

I believe that time heals, and that one day my heart will mend itself back together, but it will never be the same, it will never again be whole without the piece you took with you. And it may sound sad, but I'd rather have it gone forever because someone who deserved to have it took it with them, then to keep it forever but never have known you. Our mothers always said its better to have loved and to lost than to never have loved at all... and its true, But not about men... but about friends.

of all the lonely

I'm sitting at my computer with my headphones in, staring at the screen and wishing I could pull my thoughts together long enough to have them make sense on the page... They're just so scrambled... it's almost in a circle too. One person relates me to the thought of the one who follows...sometimes, just for a minute or an hour I wish I didn't have to think about anyone. But, they affect me. Your sadness, pain, confusion, guilt, happiness... all of it makes me think of you. All of you. You might not think you are significant, but you are.

How many times in a day do we feel an emotion that we regard as unimportant? That no one would be interested, or we don't want to share it cause its so very personal and no one else could possibly understand? So what if, we were wrong? What if just for a minute we shared anyways... and just for that minute, we feel less lonely? Whether its someone to share in our happiness, soothe our pain, or ease our guilt? Is loneliness a choice? Are we choosing to be alone in our emotional state? And I realize that there are people out there who don't really give a shit about anyone, but, its not like we're any worse off than we were before, right?

Is the choice to be alone the safer one? The idea of sharing our deepest emotions with another person who could possibly not care just so intimidating, that we would rather be alone with whats in our hearts and head? I mean who REALLY wants to share their inner most thoughts just to have them ignored? No one. No one could possibly ever want that.

In my opinion, I'd rather share with someone who I think I can trust, and have it ignored, and find out who they really are. So those of you who share with me, whether its in passing or in a deep conversation, your emotions are not dismissed. They are not ignored. And they matter. I think about you when you aren't around, I wonder how you are and if everything is still as wonderful or miserable as last time we spoke. I care about your heart and mind... and I know that sometimes it helps to have someone, but its not necessarily the right someone, and you feel alone anyways, but I promise, it still matters. YOU still matter.

I'm all in.

Ok, so I have this playlist that sorta gets me into writing mode, and then I hit shuffle and hope I get something that takes me back to a place where I can pull thoughts together enough to have them make sense...

Just breathe by pearl jam came on....and it just made my head spin... like I'd been drinking too much and laid down in bed...a huge flood of emotion and thoughts, not necessarily tied together either.

My thoughts started with the past. How it creeps up on you, how it blasts its way into the present, affects your decisions, changes you, but doesn't have to define you. But what I really think about is; if we choose to live in the moment, do those moments turn into the decisions that affect the bigger picture? Are those the defining moments in our past, the moments that got us to where we are right now? Do they always have to be tied together? I always say to live your life without regrets. But there is NO way of knowing if its regrettable until the very end. Is our lives truly just a roll of the dice? A gamble we take everyday with our decisions and the consequences that come from them?

To live in the moment, throw caution to the wind... does it really lead to a happier life? If you can live, and I mean TRULY live in that moment, and forget everything else, that high, the rush.... no matter how long it lasts, its what you REMEMBER. You don't forget the most exciting moments in your life. Regardless of whether they were intentional or not, the memory will give you rush all over again. So, here's what I think about it, Live in the moment? YES. FUCK YES. WITHOUT QUESTION, DO IT.

If our lives truly are a gamble we take, then go all in. At least in the end, you can say that it was exciting and amazing. Don't let your decisions define you, but create you. And for those of you who don't know the difference, stop reading my blog. I believe that we are always changing and growing. If you let one decision stop that, it has defined you. The things we do, the people we meet, they change us, and we change them. Each and every single one of the people in my life, regardless of how significant, have affected me in some way, and when I tell the stories of my life, they will forever be a part of that... just as long as the story after them hasn't erased my memory :D

Live in the moment... because really, who or what are you holding out for? How do you know that isn't going to be the BEST thing you've ever done?