Can you sleep at night?

An Irish Lullaby....

Not a song I listen to often, but some reason it sticks with me tonight while I contemplate all the bullshit in life. All the logical and illogical crap that gets thrown in our direction on day to day basis, and our inner self justifying the whys or why not's.

In the past I've written about how the matters of the heart are the issues of our heads. The way we, as human beings logic our way through anything, or when we actually CAN'T find logic in something, it has a fucking textbook title?! Welcome to:

Cognitive dissonance. An uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. Dissonance occurs when a person perceives a logical inconsistency in their beliefs, when one idea implies the opposite of another. The dissonance might be experienced as guilt, anger, frustration, or even embarrassment. A powerful cause of dissonance is an idea in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as "I am a good person" or "I made the right decision". The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one's choices. (Thank you wikipedia)

But its not just bad decisions is it? Its EVERYTHING we do. The HORRIBLE question; why? Has fucked with us. When was the last time you answered with; why not?
Even to yourself? Nevermind anyone else who asks!!

As human beings, is it even possible to make a decision without rationalization? When we make "rash" decisions, is this just our way of doing what our gut tells us to do, or is it our rationalization that saves us from making stupid mistakes.... or worse, making the right ones? Can you even remember the last time you did something without thinking about it? And if you did, were you able to do it without justifying it after? Our peace of mind, our sanity, is created by our belief and faith in what we do, and who we are. Is it our rationalization that saves us from ourselves?

Everyday of our lives we convince ourselves that what we are doing is right. Then once we do that, we can convince others. And as long as everyone is convinced, we can sleep at night. Look ourselves in the mirror every morning. Rationalization comes into play with EVERYTHING we do. Some call it fate. Others call it luck. Whatever, call it what you will...

It brings me back to the basics of; YOU are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning, YOU are the one who will lose the sleep at night if you don't have a sound mind. Does it matter if no one else can stand the sight of you? Maybe... but... in the end, its all on you. To me, your logic might be illogical, but what the hell do I know? I won't be the one losing sleep over it... so hey, whatever helps YOU sleep at night....right?

I guess the real problem with that is, what happens when we shouldn't be able to sleep at night.... but we do. Then what?

To agree or disagree....

"The earth belongs to the living" (Thomas Jefferson).

We belong together...
or so tonight's lyrics say...

Anyone know the textbook definition of "belong"?

a. To be proper, appropriate, or suitable
b. To be in an appropriate situation or environment
c. To have in one's possession
d. To be a part of something else

When we think about our lives... what it revolves around, how we make our distinctions of what we want and who we are... does the word above and its definition to apply to EVERY situation we can think of? Even, and in most cases ESPECIALLY when it comes to love. Ah yes, the magic word that tortures us through out our lives. Regardless of the type of love.... Love from a partner (or lack there of), love from or of our family (or lack there of), love from friends (which is the one that is most often the unconditional one, despite the traditional thought that it comes from our family!) love for our careers, and most importantly, Love for ourselves.

Its strange how the two are so strongly intertwined. Sadly, don't most of us affiliate our love for ourselves with some sort "belonging"? That when we finally fall into either definition A, B or D, it strengthens or even creates the self love we should all have already? Now, I left out definition C... and if I need to explain why, you should not be reading this blog. But to educate some of you, its because, you can have all sorts of "belongings" and it will not affect your self love. The opening line said by Thomas Jefferson is an exact example. The WORLD belongs to YOU. Yes, YOU. And yet, we need the love of others to create our sense of self worth. When we already have the world in our possession. The entire. fucking.WORLD. Doesn't it make you sad that the earth belongs to us, and yet we need the sense of "belonging" to define or justify our self love?!

To love and be loved, should not be what creates or strengthens self worth and love. But should be merely an agreement. An agreement that you love who you are... and so do they. And its ok if they change their mind, but you won't change yours. If other disagreements in your life don't change who you are, why should that one?

To love and to lust...

So I'm the furthest thing from a country music fan, but here I am listening to remember when...


A friend recently told me how she has a serious lack of desire for her husband. Not because he isn't a good man, but somewhere along the way it got lost... So I started think about marriage, divorce, love and lust.

We spend our lives searching. Searching for someone to spend our lives, have our children and grow old with... many of us have heard about how marriage changes things. Is it true we have to sacrifice the lust for the eternal love? Based on the idea of - you can't have your cake and eat it too? Like honestly.. what the fuck is the point of having the cake if you can't eat it? Is it just to remind you that its there, tempting you, reminding you that its something you can't have?

Is that what drives us to keep looking? That magical thing we often hear referred to as soul mates. People who connect so deeply, that they never feel a lack of anything in their relationship. The inconceivable notion that there is one perfect person out there for everyone is just.... its just... hopeful. If we all didn't believe in it just a little, then it means that we would agree that you can't have it all.

I believe we make a choice. We make the choice to believe that we CAN have it all. That we don't have to settle. But you have to have balls. It takes BIG balls to admit that you want more... and even more to believe that its out there, and you aren't afraid to keep looking for it. I won't promise that it'll be easy, but I can promise the risk is worth the reward. Don't have the balls? Go out and buy some... they make everything in sex stores now-a-days. Fool yourself for a while and see where you go.

Incase you forgot.... I know I did.

Rearranged... yep, a bit old school tonight... helps me remember.

Remember who you were when the people in your life didn't affect what you said or what you did? They didn't force you to censor who you are because that's what they think is best?

FUCK THAT. I'M DONE. No more censorship.

This is not going to be one of my normal reflective blogs. This is a statement of who I am... which I seem to be forgetting lately. And I"m so done with it. ALL of it.

I've been through some shit in my life. And everytime I come out of that shit storm, I'm a better person for it. I'm HUMAN. I make mistakes, I fuck up, I fuck up big, I fuck up small. But no one out there is any better. For SO long, I stopped caring what anyone thought. And as soon as I did, I started doing things that were important to ME. And I was a better person for it. Lately, I've been forgetting... I've been forgetting the lesson's I've learned. I've been forgetting who I am and what I believe in. I let others judgement and opinions matter more than they should have. I've forgotten the standards for being MY friend.

I do not welcome your judgement or your negativity.
I do not want your bullshit or your two-faced lies.
I don't want your double standards or your lack of faith.
I don't want your bad decisions being forced into my life.
I will not tolerate you acting superior.
I don't want your perfection.


It is not for you to judge how I live my life or who I am. I understand that I make mistakes. If you don't, then off you go. There is the fucking door. I don't need your approval. I never have, and I never will. And those who's approval I do need, are the ones I never have to ask for it.

But as for the rest...I'm not afraid of your judgement or your opinions. I will ALWAYS be OK... despite your thoughts. And I will forget you... but I will take your lesson with me... I won't forget who I am anymore. Not for one more god damn minute. I don't put up with shit like this, and I sure as fuck am not going to start now.
Thank you for reminding me who I am... I missed it.