I know it's be forever since my last post... but somehow, I was suffering from a form of writers block. I would have all these thoughts and reflections and million different things going on to draw from but I would just sit here and stare at the blank page waiting for me to come up with something clever or heartfelt, and I couldn't do either... a bit scary considering who I am... I've also embraced prescribed sleeping pills. Hence late night blogging comes to a bit of an end, until of course I forget them somewhere and its so damn hot out you can't sleep, and well... here I am.
90% of all illnesses are stress related. Stress is also considered an illness... did you know? lol. Our mental health, which we all take for granted; can make us strong, it can also make us weak. It can turn us into a version of ourselves we no longer recognize. When shit hits the fan, those around us usually choose one of two routes to console us:
1- "Shit happens. That's life. Deal with it and move on"
2- "oh honey... that's AWFUL. I WISH there was something I could do.....etc, etc, etc"
Clearly, #2 is far from my preferred method. But, I choose to believe that I practice what I preach, so when I often revert to #1 for others, I choose to also tell myself the same. What happens when life falls somewhere between the two and your preferred method doesn't work, and the second is the worst fucking reaction you could want? How do you dig yourself out of your insanity? Find a place inside yourself to pull your shit together JUST long enough, to figure it out? I'm not gonna lie... I couldn't do it. For the first time in a long time, I just couldn't get there long enough. It took a major fuck up at work to make me realise that my mental health was definitely in jeopardy. So I decided that if there was ONE thing worth investing in, it was myself. Which honestly, I don't know why so many of us are willing to spend money on anything and EVERYTHING, except the one thing that keeps us going day in and day out. When did everything else become more worthwhile? That your heart and mind aren't an investment you consider?
Not me. Not this time. I have a son who deserves a mum who can keep her shit together, and if she can't, then she can ask someone to help her figure it out.
My shrink looked me in the eye and said "Frankly, you have ALOT of shit on your plate. No wonder you're sitting across from me. But on the other hand, you're a little more than half my age, and you make me feel like I need to go out and do something because you've done so much in your life"
The acknowledgement alone that I had alot going on changed how I felt. To have someone acknowledge your heartache, and not follow with comment that devalues it, was refreshing. It also made me reconsider my own harsh reactions. Granted on occasion they're needed, but sometimes, we just want to be acknowledged. It didn't come with those condescending, sympathetic eyes and a rub on the back, or a blatant dismissal after. And you know what pissed me off about it? It was so fucking simple. It changed my communication with those around me. I actually now say, "I don't want a reaction. All I want is an acknowledgement"
It made me consider how much we all take ourselves for granted. That we get upset with others who don't hear us when we are upset, pissed off, sad or otherwise... but more so, how often do we not hear OURSELVES? When something inside us goes 'shit, I can't do this' and we tell ourselves to shut the fuck up and figure it out? How long can you be figuring it all out by yourself before you're allowed to say that you can't anymore? How long do we abuse ourselves before its OK to say that we don't want to anymore?
In the end, I'm still always going to tell it like it is, fight for what I want and believe in.... But I might listen a little better to myself. I hope to hell everyone I know can sit back for a minute after this blog, and think about it and themselves... and if it turns out you need an acknowledgement...I'm around. Find me.
