Secrets & Shame

I'm posting before bed tonight, hoping that maybe I'll clear my head enough to fall asleep quickly and deeply.... I have the headphones in and I'm in deep tonight... hoping that somehow I can find a way to escape myself.

I was talking to a friend, who told me that they wish they could tell me their deepest secret... Now of course it makes me wonder what could be so private, that they WISH they could tell me, but don't. What causes us to keep secrets? And why can't we keep them when we should? When I really think about it, I only have one secret. And its not really a secret per se, its just something I keep to myself cause it doesn't really matter, but too precious to share. I find that secrets eat away at us. The ones that we can keep are the ones that have some shame behind them. Something about it makes us feel ashamed. Happy secrets are never really secrets for long.

Is it easy to tell someone else's secret because we are not the bearer of the shame that comes with it? I learned throughout my life that what I really needed in a friend is someone who did not judge. Not easy to come by. And I must say that when you have people like this in your life its like you have removed the weight of the world off your shoulders.... Just KNOWING that they don't judge brings you that deep inner sense of calm and somehow things that at times bring us shame no longer burden us as heavily.

So is our shame brought on by the opinion of others or our opinion of ourselves? And if even in our own opinion we should not be ashamed, do we keep secrets so that others cannot attempt to shame us? Which of course turns into the burden of keeping a secret that we so desperately want to share but won't.

Another friend of mine told me once that lying by omission is still lying. Is this yet another way to add to our burden of shame? We cannot tell the truth because we would be shamed, even when we feel it should be nothing to be ashamed of, so we keep it a secret and then feel ashamed for keeping a secret in the first place because we are now "hiding" the information that we were forced to keep secret in the first place because of the fear of being shamed by others. What an endless circle of torture. It makes me so angry.

I gave up caring if others think I should feel ashamed or not. I am the ONLY person to live with the consequences of my actions. We have enough burdens in life to worry about, without the petty thoughts of people who can't see past their own narrow mindedness. It was letting go of the people who I thought mattered, with their opinions that didn't, that I truly found a way to feel free of the burden of shame and enjoy the fact that I have friends who say "I do/don't agree, but if that's what makes you happy, then I'm behind you 100%" and KNOW that they mean it without question, has rid me of my own thoughts that could cause this burden upon others.

So if you are keeping something deep in your heart cause you're afraid, then I say, in a manner that is far from articulate or orthodox - FUCK EM. Don't burden your soul because people have an opinion different than your own. And if you are ashamed because of your own beliefs then I hope you find a way to lessen your burden and move on. Life is too short to torture yourself.