Silence. No music tonight...
I want to be mad that you're gone, but I can't cause I've never seen a battle fought so hard for so long. I don't want to talk about your courage or your strength. I want to talk about everything that made you who you were outside of that battle, and all the courage and strength. I want to talk about you LIFE. And The way that you changed mine and changed who I am. I want to laugh at our memories and all the things that we thought mattered but didn't. I wear the things you gave me hoping that some how they might make me feel better, as stupid as it sounds. I don't want to miss you, I don't want to talk to you and have you not talk back, I don't want to get mad when I spill something on a shirt you bought me, or cant find a ring you gave me, or lost an earring you brought back for me. The material things dont matter, but the sentiment behind every piece does... and those are the only pieces I have now...those... those and the pieces left of my heart that broke.
I believe that time heals, and that one day my heart will mend itself back together, but it will never be the same, it will never again be whole without the piece you took with you. And it may sound sad, but I'd rather have it gone forever because someone who deserved to have it took it with them, then to keep it forever but never have known you. Our mothers always said its better to have loved and to lost than to never have loved at all... and its true, But not about men... but about friends.
I've been through some things in my life. Things that no person should ever have to go through. And everytime I experience something new, that is more difficult than the last, I think- this is it, it doesnt get any harder than this. And EVERYTIME I'm wrong.
I have 3 bestfriends. I had 4. And I don't know how to recover. I don't know how to not text her when something exciting happens, or when I need to rant and rave about anything and everything. I don't know how to believe I'm in the wrong unless 2 of them gang up on me. (the other two don't count cause they aren't in the country) I'm sure I won't have a problem believing I'm right, but it always helped when she took my side....
I want to be mad that you're gone, but I can't cause I've never seen a battle fought so hard for so long. I don't want to talk about your courage or your strength. I want to talk about everything that made you who you were outside of that battle, and all the courage and strength. I want to talk about you LIFE. And The way that you changed mine and changed who I am. I want to laugh at our memories and all the things that we thought mattered but didn't. I wear the things you gave me hoping that some how they might make me feel better, as stupid as it sounds. I don't want to miss you, I don't want to talk to you and have you not talk back, I don't want to get mad when I spill something on a shirt you bought me, or cant find a ring you gave me, or lost an earring you brought back for me. The material things dont matter, but the sentiment behind every piece does... and those are the only pieces I have now...those... those and the pieces left of my heart that broke.
I believe that time heals, and that one day my heart will mend itself back together, but it will never be the same, it will never again be whole without the piece you took with you. And it may sound sad, but I'd rather have it gone forever because someone who deserved to have it took it with them, then to keep it forever but never have known you. Our mothers always said its better to have loved and to lost than to never have loved at all... and its true, But not about men... but about friends.
Well this one made me cry Jen. I know I don't know you very well but it's obvious that she was/is our common ground. You and She, long time, forever friends and she and I, new and fast friends. No age gap between us mattered. She touched my heart forever and I forget somedays she's gone. I have the memories of the past couple years only but they are mine forever. I am better for knowing this amazing longtime friend of yours and glad I could call her mine as well. Nice to meet you.
ReplyDeleteJanet
My girl, you break my heart everytime, Your writing is amazing and always touches my heart, like you always do. Sometimes when I think we dont have anything in common, Im wrong, so wrong, we have many things just in different situations, friends who are dear to us and memories of those who have gone. I cant compare them, but your grandmother took a piece of my heart , and I'll never be the same without her, but I have the comfort of knowing hers,and how much she loved all of us, and me her only daughter, Ive kept some of her sweaters, I wear her wedding ring, holding them in my memories everyday. But just when i think that no one could ever love me as much as mom did, I have all of you and my precious grandson that remind me everyday, that I wouldnt be the person I am without you. Kara Lee was a amazing friend, just as you are,keeping her memories in your heart.
ReplyDeleteYour are soo right! *hugs*
ReplyDelete